Avengers Road Trip
by cautiousAlbatross
Summary: A series of trips taken by the Avengers, with amusingly disastrous consequences.
1. Team Bonding

Team Bonding

Director Fury thinks that the Avengers need to work on their team bonding. Coulson suggests a road trip. Fury agrees (eventually). Tony doesn't, but is ignored. A minivan is acquired, a date is set, and the Avengers set off, with only a few minor problems. Although for the Avengers, the definition of "minor problems" extends to include missing persons, grievous bodily harm and death threats.

-1.30

Coulson has managed to gather most of the Avengers together outside the van. Natasha is refusing to join them, and Tony is missing, presumed drunk.

-1.15

Tony is still missing. Steve offers to go and look for him. Bruce suggests checking his workshop. Clint suggests that Bruce is an idiot. Bruce asks Clint whether he would prefer to be smashed into the wall, the floor or the ceiling. Clint retreats into the ceiling and refuses to come out. Natasha contemplates finding a more comfortable place to watch from.

-1.00

Steve has found Tony and dragged him over to the van. Tony claims that he was just making minor adjustments to his Iron Man suit. Steve tells Coulson that he found Tony preparing to fly off in his private jet. Tony changes tack and begins to whine about having to share the van. He suggests that flying would be far quicker and more comfortable. Coulson tells him that the trip is not supposed to be quick or comfortable. Clint is still in the ceiling. Natasha has somehow managed to find a deckchair, and is sipping a Martini as she watches Tony argue with Coulson.

-0.45

Coulson has finally managed to persuade Tony to come on the trip, with only minor threats needing to be used. Tony immediately calls shotgun. Clint drops out of the ceiling to inform Tony that he called shotgun at least an hour ago. Natasha gets up off of her deckchair to tell them that she isn't going anyway, but if she were, she would have automatic shotgun. Thor doesn't know what shotgun is, but wants to join in the fun and calls it too. Bruce claims that the other guy will almost certainly make an appearance if he is forced to sit in the back of the van. Steve does not call shotgun. He tries to calm the others down, but they all start shouting at him instead. Coulson contemplates tazing the whole team and piling them into the bad of the van.

-0.30

Coulson finally manages to tell the Avengers that as they cannot behave like adults, none of them will be riding shotgun. All of them start shouting at him at the same time but quickly shut up when Coulson threatens to take away all their bathroom breaks for the whole trip. They all get into the van. Everyone except for Steve and Thor is sulking.

-0.28

Coulson is about to set off when Tony says he has to pee before they leave. He considers not letting Tony go, but decides against it.

-0.24

Tony is back and they are about to leave again when Steve says he needs the bathroom too.

-0.21

Steve returns, and they set off. This time, they almost manage to get the van out onto the road before Clint and Thor both need to pee. Coulson reluctantly drives back, and says that the next person who needs to pee will have to do it on the verge.

-0.15

Clint and Thor are back. Natasha says she has to go as well. Coulson thinks about refusing, but decides that his threats don't apply to her.

-0.05

The others wonder why Natasha is taking so long. Tony makes a sexist comment just as Natasha returns, and regrets it. He begins to wish he had brought the suit with him.

0.00

Coulson has taken back his earlier decision and has decided, in the interests of safety, to allow Natasha to ride shotgun. They finally manage to set off.

0.13

Chaos has begun in the back of the van. Thor has managed to smuggle an entire crate of poptarts and a toaster on board with him, and is currently confused as to why the toaster won't work. Steve offers to help him find the plug socket. Tony and Bruce are currently having a heated argument, although none of the other Avengers could say what it is about. Their best guess would be "sciencey stuff". Clint watches both groups with amusement. Natasha sighs.

0.20

Tony and Bruce stop arguing to work on a plan for powering Thor's toaster. They ask Coulson to keep an eye out for a hardware store. Coulson ignores them.

0.23

They drive past a hardware store. Tony and Bruce ask to stop. Coulson ignores them.

0.27

They drive past a McDonald's. Tony and Thor ask to stop. Coulson ignores them.

0.31

The back of the van has gone suspiciously quiet. Coulson glances in his mirror but cannot see what is going on. Tony appears to have vanished.

0.34

Coulson hears a rattling noise coming from under the van. He pulls over and finds Tony clinging to the bottom and fiddling with some wires. Bruce tells Tony he knew that it was a bad idea. Tony tells Coulson that he should have stopped at that hardware store. Coulson tells Tony that if he messes with the van again, he will abandon him in the middle of nowhere.

0.41

Thor sees a service station and wants to stop. Coulson ignores him.

0.46

Clint needs to pee. Coulson ignores him.

0.49

Steve needs to pee. Coulson ignores him.

0.52

Clint _really _needs to pee. Coulson ignores him.

0.57

Clint threatens to pee out of the window. Coulson threatens to let him.

1.04

Clint starts bouncing in his seat. Coulson ignores him.

1.08

Clint starts to make little whining noises. Coulson ignores him.

1.12

Clint begs Coulson to let him pee. Coulson ignores him. The others start to edge away from him.

1.17

Clint suddenly goes very still. The others pretend not to notice the damp patch and edge still further away from him.

1.20

Coulson wonders why everything's gone quiet.

1.22

Coulson wonders why he can smell pee.

1.23

Coulson puts two and two together and pulls over at a service station.

1.24

Clint wordlessly accepts the change of clothing Coulson offers him, and sidles off to change. Coulson wonders what to do about Clint's seat.

1.27

Coulson buys a large collection of car air fresheners and hangs them around Clint's seat. Tony and Bruce start trying to come up with ideas to dry out the seat. Natasha produces a portable hair dryer and hands it to them. Nobody asks why she brought a hair dryer.

1.30

Clint's seat is still slightly damp, but he decides not to complain. Coulson silently vows to believe the next person who says they need to pee. They set off again.

1.32

They suddenly realise that Steve is missing and return to the service station. He is waiting in the car park, looking slightly hurt. Coulson apologises for abandoning him. Steve hopes that he doesn't need the bathroom again on the trip.

1.35

Tony has an idea for Thor's toaster. He asks Natasha for her hair dryer. Natasha refuses. Tony sulks.

1.37

Tony asks Natasha for her hair dryer again. Natasha refuses.

1.38

Tony keeps bugging Natasha about the hair dryer. Natasha ignores him.

1.45

Tony is still bugging Natasha about the hair dryer. She finally gives in, hoping for some peace and quiet at last.

1.51

Tony gets the toaster working. Thor starts enthusiastically cooking and eating his poptarts.

1.54

Tony has managed to remodel the toaster so it can toast 14 poptarts at once. A poptart party has begun in the back of the van.

1.57

Coulson turns on the radio in an attempt to drown out the sounds of the poptart party. His plan backfires when they start to sing along loudly and enthusiastically.

2.03

Natasha threatens to kill everyone in the van in terrible and inventive ways if they don't shut up immediately. They do. Tony mutters that they were running out of poptarts anyway.

2.06

Tony eats the last poptart.

2.07

Thor asks for another poptart and is disappointed to hear they have run out.

2.09

Thor asks if they can stop to get more poptarts. Coulson ignores him.

2.12

Tony sees a hardware store and asks to stop. Coulson ignores him.

2.16

Tony sees another hardware store and says he needs to pee. Coulson tells him to wait until the next service station.

2.20

They pull over at a service station. Tony decides he didn't need to pee after all. Thor asks if they can buy poptarts.

2.25

Tony managed to find and buy a large quantity of miscellaneous technology from the service station and is now dismantling it all. Coulson apprehensively wonders what he is trying to make.

2.28

Bruce is helping Tony with his contraption. Thor and Steve are watching with vaguely puzzled expressions. Clint needs to pee.

2.34

Tony and Bruce are bonding over science. Steve and Thor are bonding over wondering what the hell Tony and Bruce are doing. Clint tells Coulson he needs to pee. Coulson has turned the radio back on and doesn't hear him.

2.39

Tony realises something is missing from his contraption. He asks Coulson to pull into the next service station. Coulson ignores him and turns the music up again. Clint says he needs to pee. Coulson doesn't hear him.

2.44

Tony is sulking. Bruce is comforting him. Thor misses his poptarts. Clint still needs to pee.

2.49

Tony is still sulking. Coulson has turned the radio up to full volume, Steve is getting a headache. Clint still needs to pee.

2.53

Tony realises that he doesn't need the extra part anyway and starts working on his contraption again. Steve asks Coulson to turn the music down. Coulson ignores him. Clint says he needs to pee. No one hears.

2.58

Tony and Bruce have finished making the contraption. They present it triumphantly to the others, who look confused and ask what it is. It is a karaoke machine. Thor asks what karaoke is. Tony explains. Thor is excited, and wishes to try it. Steve buries his head in his hands. Clint contemplates saying that he needs to pee, but resigns himself to being ignored. Natasha and Coulson are having what would be a pleasant conversation if they didn't have to shout it over the music Coulson was using to drown out the complaints from the back of the van.

3.03

The noise of Thor singing karaoke fills the van and is the only thing anyone in it can hear. Clint has curled up into a ball and resigned himself to spending the rest of the journey trying not to wet himself (again).

3.06

Coulson has pulled over to confiscate the karaoke machine. Whilst he is yelling at Tony and Thor, Clint takes the opportunity to sneak off and pee. Natasha wonders how she got saddled with these idiots. Bruce wonders whether he should take some of the blame for the karaoke machine, then decides against it. Steve wonders how exactly this trip is helping with their teamwork.

3.09

Coulson has finished yelling at Tony and Thor. No one has noticed that Clint is missing. They get back into the van and leave without him.

3.12

The Avengers still haven't noticed their missing team member. Coulson is enforcing a rule of silence in the van. Clint is standing by the side of the road, looking forlornly for the van.

3.20

Natasha looks around to check on the amazingly silent Avengers in the back of the van. She notices Clint is missing. They go back to look for him.

3.31

They have found Clint. He wordlessly climbs into the van and silently sulks. No one else notices because they, too, are sulking.

3.36

Steve suggests that they play a game to lighten the mood. Coulson has gotten bored of their good behaviour, and agrees to allow them to play I Spy. Steve goes first. Natasha immediately guesses "van". She is right. Her word begins with "I".

3.39

No one has yet guessed Natasha's word. Some of the guesses have been particularly inventive. Coulson is considering banning Tony from the game.

3.43

Tony has been banned from guessing. No one has managed to guess Natasha's word. Steve thinks they must have gone through all of the "I" words at least twice. Tony thinks Natasha must have invented the word. Clint suspects it might be Russian. He wishes he knew Russian.

3.47

Coulson finally takes pity on them and guesses "Idiots". He is right. The others wonder how they didn't guess it. Natasha says it is because they were the idiots she was spying. Clint says she has an unfair advantage at this game.

3.48

Coulson's word begins with "M". Tony's guessing rights have been reinstated, on the condition that none of his guesses are too obscene.

3.49

Tony's guessing rights have been revoked.

3.52

Natasha guesses "Morons". She is right. The others are annoyed. Steve is regretting starting this game. Natasha's word begins with "A".

3.54

Tony guesses "Assholes". Coulson comments that this is unusually mild. Tony comments that he is running out of obscene words. Steve comments that he thought Tony's vocabulary was bottomless in that respect.

3.56

Tony and Bruce are trying to think of synonyms for idiots beginning with "A". They come up with "Addlebrains". They are wrong. They try to think up more, and run into a dead end.

4.01

Steve asks for a clue. Natasha says it's a word beginning with "A". Tony says that's not a clue. Natasha disagrees. She says it is the only clue they are allowed.

4.05

Coulson makes Natasha give them a clue. She says the word is a synonym for "Idiots". Tony says they already guessed all the synonyms for idiots beginning with "A". Natasha tells him he is wrong.

4.07

Steve thinks about the previous words. He realises they were being used to describe them. He realises what Natasha's word is. Steve guesses "Avengers". He is right. The others are amazed they didn't guess. Natasha says she told them it was a synonym for "Idiots".

4.08

Steve's word begins with "R". Tony skips the obscene guesses and goes straight for "Road". He is right. Tony's word begins with "S".

4.10

The others run through all the obscene words beginning with "S" they can think of. Natasha knows a surprising amount. Steve has never heard half of the words she guesses, and decides not to ask what they mean. None of them are correct.

4.14

Tony is laughing at the others. None of their guesses have come close.

4.17

Thor guesses "Sky". He is correct. The others are annoyed that they didn't guess it. Tony says they were over-complicating the game.

4.18

Thor's word begins with "M". Coulson guesses "Morons". Natasha says they can't use the same word twice. Coulson is wrong.

4.24

Tony hasn't made any guesses. He ran out of obscene words beginning with "M" the last time it was used. No one else has managed to guess it.

4.27

Thor is amazed that no one can guess it. He says it is exceedingly obvious. The others are still stumped.

4.29

Clint has fallen asleep. The others have still not guessed Thor's word. Not even Coulson and Natasha.

4.33

Bruce has come up with some impressively inventive guesses. Tony is amazed. Bruce is wrong. Thor is confused by some of his guesses.

4.37

Steve guesses "Maze". He is wrong. Natasha asks him where he can see a maze. He says Thor might have seen one that they didn't notice. Natasha says he is an idiot.

4.41

Tony guesses "Magic". The others laugh. He is wrong.

4.43

Coulson guesses "Mauve". Natasha asks him where he can see anything mauve. Everyone stops guessing to search for mauve objects.

4.47

Thor is getting annoyed by the mauve-search. He wants them to guess his word. Steve, Tony and Bruce say they give up. Natasha and Coulson want to keep trying. Clint is still asleep.

4.52

Natasha and Coulson's guesses are getting increasingly desperate. They have included "Magenta", "Maniacs", "Moles" and "Man-boobs". None of them are correct.

4.56

Steve asks Thor to tell them what his word was. Natasha objects. She says she will guess it. The others are sceptical. Coulson has given up.

4.59

Everyone except for Natasha has gotten extremely bored of this game. Even Thor doesn't want her to keep guessing. Natasha refuses to let him tell her the word. Clint is still asleep.

5.04

Clint wakes up and asks what they are doing. He is amazed to hear that they are still guessing Thor's word. They tell him that only Natasha is still trying. She still cannot guess Thor's word.

5.09

Tony asks if they can play something else. Natasha says they have to wait until they have finished this game. Everyone sighs.

5.12

Bruce points out that they have been trying to guess Thor's word for nearly an hour. Natasha gives in and asks Thor to tell them the word. It is "Midgard". Natasha says that using Asgardian dialect is cheating. Thor says that it was a perfectly acceptable word.

5.15

Natasha is sulking. Tony has suggested they start a game of Twenty Questions. Coulson suggests that they play Silent. Steve asks how you play Silent. Coulson tells him that everyone has to be quiet and the first person to talk loses. Tony says he doesn't like the sound of this game. He wants to play something different. Coulson tells him that they will play Silent. Natasha agrees.

5.19

Everyone is still silent. The game is going well. Coulson is feeling pleased with himself.

5.22

Tony loses the game by saying he is bored. He asks to play something else. Coulson tells him he lost the game. Tony says he doesn't care and that it is a stupid game. Coulson says that he has to pay a penalty. He lets Natasha decide the penalty.

5.24

Coulson has decided that Natasha is not allowed to decided the penalty after all. He says that cruel and unusual punishment is not appropriate for this game. Natasha starts sulking again.

5.28

Coulson is trying to think of an appropriate punishment. The others are wondering if they are still playing.

5.30

Coulson has thought of a punishment. He pulls over at the next service station and buys a deckchair and some Duct tape. Tony looks apprehensive.

5.34

Tony was right to look apprehensive. He is now taped into a deckchair, which is taped to the roof of the van. Tony says that this punishment goes against his human rights. Coulson ignores him.

5.36

They leave the service station. Tony has a feeling that this will be extremely uncomfortable. The others are enjoying the lack of annoying comments in the van.

5.40

Tony was right. The Duct tape is barely holding him and the deckchair to the top of the van. He is clinging on for dear life as they speed along the road at 60mph. He can safely say he has never been more terrified in his life.

5.43

Inside the van, the others can hear muffled screaming from above. Bruce wonders how illegal this punishment is, and whether Fury will care. Steve is worried about Tony's safety.

5.47

The screaming has stopped. Steve and Bruce are exchanging worried glances. They ask Coulson to pull over.

5.49

They pull over to find Tony unconscious on the roof. Coulson removes the tape and takes him down, along with the now broken deckchair.

5.52

Tony has regained consciousness and started shouting angrily at Coulson. He says that he will have Coulson's head for this. Coulson apologises. Tony says he'll never be able to go out when it's windy again.

5.56

Both Bruce and Steve are comforting Tony. Coulson is beginning to think his punishment was a bit extreme. He buys Tony an ice cream to make up for it. Thor wants an ice cream too. Coulson refuses to buy him one. He says he's not made of money.

6.00

Coulson tells everyone to get back in the van. He does a headcount and realises that both Clint and Natasha are missing. He tells the others to stay in the van whilst he goes and looks for them.

6.12

Coulson returns with Clint and Natasha. Clint is blushing bright red and looking studiously away from Natasha. Natasha looks unruffled. Coulson refuses to say where he found them. He asks where Thor has gone. Tony says he went to get ice cream. Coulson contemplates banging his head against the side of the van, but instead goes to look for Thor. He tells the others that if any of them wander off, he'll leave without them.

6.18

Coulson returns with Thor and a massive ice cream. He wonders whether he'll be able to claim it as expenses. He figures he'll be able to get away with it, but he's not so sure about the deckchair. Everyone gets into the van and they leave.

6.22

Tony wants to play another game. Coulson reminds him that the last game they played ended with him on the roof, taped to a deckchair. Tony says he's bored. Coulson gives in and agrees to let him play Twenty Questions.

6.24

Tony is an animal. He has two legs. He is a mammal. Bruce asks if he is Tony Stark. Tony says he isn't. He says they have 16 questions left.

6.27

Tony is a human being. He is female. Bruce asks him if he's sure. Tony gives him a withering look and says they have 13 questions left.

6.30

Tony isn't famous. He isn't Pepper. He isn't a stripper. Clint says that rules out Natasha. No one sees what Natasha does, but afterwards Clint is clutching himself and screaming in pain. He says that this counts as grievous bodily harm. Natasha tells him to stop being a baby.

6.32

Tony isn't American. Tony isn't British. Tony isn't French. Tony reminds them that they have 7 questions left and asks Steve if he's sure he wants to continue trying to guess his nationality.

6.36

Tony is an adult. Tony is a member of SHIELD. Natasha realises who Tony is. She wonders if any of the others will guess, and decides to let them try.

6.39

Steve asks Tony what colour hair he has. Tony says the game doesn't work like that. Tony doesn't have black hair. Tony doesn't have brown hair. Tony doesn't have blonde hair. Natasha wonders how the others can be so stupid. They have 2 questions left.

6.41

Tony has red hair. Clint uses their last question to guess that Tony is Natasha. He is correct. Tony wonders how they didn't guess sooner.

6.43

It is Clint's go. He is a mineral. Bruce wonders why the game groups everything into animal, vegetable and mineral. He wonders why mineral isn't called "inanimate object." Tony tells Bruce to stop questioning the game.

6.44

Clint is a weapon. Natasha guesses that Clint is a bow. Natasha is right. Clint is annoyed that she guessed so easily. He says the game is called Twenty Questions, not Three Questions. Natasha says he shouldn't be so obvious.

6.46

Natasha is an animal. She is a mammal. She is not a dog, and has threatened to kill Tony inventively and painfully, using only his right thumb. Tony has decided to keep his guesses serious.

6.48

Natasha is not four-legged. Natasha is human. Natasha is male. Clint looks scandalised. Natasha gives him a warning look and he looks terrified.

6.52

Natasha is old. Natasha has a beard. Natasha is not Santa Claus. Tony looks disappointed.

6.54

Natasha is not Fury. Natasha says Fury would object to being called old. Natasha says she might neglect to mention that Tony called him old in exchange for certain favours. Tony says that he doesn't offer sexual favours. Tony regrets saying this. He thinks that now sexual favours will be entirely out of the question for the foreseeable future. He curls up into a ball of pain and mentally vows never to cross Natasha again.

6.57

Thor asks if Natasha is Odin. Natasha reminds Thor that a) Odin is not human and b) she has never met Odin. Thor asks again. Natasha says she isn't. They have 8 questions remaining.

6.59

Natasha is famous. Natasha is rich. Natasha is a douchebag. Tony is not certain that that was a useful question, but Clint insists it was. They have 5 questions remaining.

7.01

Natasha is not Jesus. Steve objects when Tony asks this and points out that Jesus was neither old nor a douchebag. Tony says Jesus lived 2000 years ago, which makes him pretty old in anyone's book, and that in his opinion Jesus was a douchebag. Steve says that douchebaggery is non-subjective and that Jesus was definitely not a douchebag.

7.04

Natasha is not God. Steve points out that God is also not a douchebag. Tony says that God is definitely a douchebag. Bruce asks them to leave the theology discussion for another day.

7.06

Natasha is someone they know. Natasha is in the van. They have one question left.

7.07

Natasha is Tony. Tony is offended. He objects to being called old and a douchebag, and adds that he's the closest thing to a god he knows. Steve says that if he thinks God is a douchebag, that must mean that he agrees he is a douchebag. Tony says that he is like God, but better, and not a douchebag. Everyone disagrees.

7.10

Tony doesn't want to play Twenty Questions any more. He suggests they play a new game of his own invention. The others agree, but privately think this can only end badly.

7.11

The game is called "Fury went to the store and bought...". They have to take it in turns to have Fury buy items from the store, working their way through the alphabet. The others think this actually sounds like it might be a good game after all.

7.12

It is Tony's go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple. The others are amazed by how tame Tony's choice is.

7.13

It is Steve's go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple and a banana.

7.14

It is Clint's go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana and a condom. Coulson is starting to wonder whether this game was a good idea after all.

7.15

It is Bruce's go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom and a DVD. Tony asks what the DVD was. He suggests it was a porn film. Bruce disagrees. He thinks the DVD was Mean Girls. Everyone laughs.

7.17

It is Thor's go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD and an elephant. Tony wonders what store Fury is visiting and why it sells elephants. Thor doesn't know.

7.18

It is Natasha's go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD, an elephant and some fire. Clint says that stores don't sell fire. Natasha says that stores don't sell elephants. Clint says that buying an elephant makes more sense than buying fire. Natasha gives him a look that reminds him of all the pain she could cause him and he shuts up.

7.20

It is Coulson's go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD, an elephant, some fire and a giraffe. Tony says it's nice to know that they're sticking to African animals in this store.

7.21

It is Tony's go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD, an elephant, some fire, a giraffe and a helmet. Tony says that Fury will probably need the helmet, what with the elephant, the fire and the giraffe.

7.22

It is Steve's go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD, an elephant, some fire, a giraffe, a helmet and an igloo. Tony is upset that Steve has destroyed their African theme with his igloo. Steve says that he can't think of an African animal beginning with "I".

7.23

It is Clint's go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD, an elephant, some fire, a giraffe, a helmet, an igloo and some jelly. Tony asks what the jelly is for. Clint says they probably don't want to know.

7.24

It is Bruce's go. Fury went to the store and bought an apple, a banana, a condom, a DVD, an elephant, some fire, a giraffe, a helmet, an igloo, some jelly and a kangaroo. Tony says that this store is really diverse now.

7.25

It is Thor's go. He wasn't paying attention and has forgotten what Fury has bought so far. The others start to argue over Fury's purchases and the game ends. Tony is slightly upset. He was proud of his game. Coulson hopes that Fury never finds out about the game.

7.31

Tony wants to play another game. Coulson refuses. He says they have played enough games.

7.33

Everyone is hungry. They wonder how long it has been since the poptarts. Tony says it has been five and a half hours since they finished the poptarts.

7.36

Tony sees a McDonald's. He asks Coulson if they can stop. Coulson says no. Everyone starts to protest loudly. Coulson agrees to go through the drive-thru, on the condition that none of them leave the van. Clint needs to pee. He asks Coulson if he can pee whilst they are getting the food. Coulson remembers earlier and agrees. Steve, Tony, and Natasha all need to pee too. Coulson lets them go and goes into the drive-thru with Bruce and Thor.

7.39

Thor orders ten hamburgers. Coulson asks him if he's sure he can eat that many. Thor replies that he is so famished, he could eat ten times that number. Coulson lets him have ten hamburgers. He realises he forgot to ask what the others wanted. He orders two of everything and hopes that will be all right. Bruce orders a salad.

7.42

Coulson collects the food, trying not to make eye contact with the woman handing it to him. He pulls over just outside to wait for the others.

7.43

Clint returns and immediately digs into the food. He takes both hamburgers and a McFlurry. Coulson is vaguely disgusted by the sight. Thor has eaten four of his ten hamburgers.

7.45

Natasha returns. She wanted a hamburger. She gets angry when she sees that Clint has taken both of them. In an attempt to prevent a murder, Coulson goes back and buys four more hamburgers.

7.47

Steve and Tony are still not back. Most of the food is gone already. Coulson goes back and buys more food in anticipation of their return. Thor, Clint and Natasha claim this food for themselves. Bruce thinks that sometimes even the Hulk would be more civilised than them.

7.50

All of the food is gone and Steve and Tony are still missing. Coulson decides to wait until they get back before buying more food.

7.54

Steve and Tony still aren't back. Bruce offers to go and look for them. Clint says that might not be a good idea. He doesn't elaborate.

7.56

Bruce contemplates asking Clint what he means. He wonders what happened in the bathroom. He decides not to ask.

7.59

Coulson sends Bruce to look for Steve and Tony.

8.01

Bruce has not yet returned. Clint looks worried. Natasha thinks about asking what happened, but decides against it.

8.05

Bruce comes back, Steve and Tony in tow. Both of them look ashamed and embarrassed, especially Steve. Tony also looks slightly triumphant. Bruce collapses into his seat and buries his face in his hands. He says that there are some things which cannot be unseen. Clint nods sympathetically. Natasha doesn't ask.

8.07

Coulson goes to buy more food for Steve and Tony, although he is uncertain as to whether they deserve it.

8.10

They set off again, with Steve and Tony wolfing down their food in an attempt to keep it away from the others.

8.12

Steve and Tony finish their food and sit in embarrassed silence. Everyone is staring at them. They try to edge as far away from each other as possible whilst remaining in their seats. Thor asks what was happening when Bruce found them. Bruce contemplates telling him but decides he doesn't want to ruin his innocence. His perception of Steve has changed forever.

8.16

The silence in the van has gotten extremely awkward. Tony coughs. Everyone stares at him.

8.20

The awkward silence is broken by screams from all the Avengers – the loudest coming from Clint – as the van veers off of the road.

8.23

They survive the experience and find Coulson has fallen asleep at the wheel. Natasha has also fallen asleep next to him.

8.25

The conscious Avengers remove their sleeping comrades from the front seats and place them carefully in the back of the van. They draw lots to decide who will drive, and then draw again when Thor is selected, as he does not a) have a legal driving license or b) know how to drive. The second time around, Tony is selected. Steve thinks about calling shotgun, but decides against it. Bruce calls shotgun. Clint thinks about arguing, but decides against it. They all get back in the van.

8.29

Coulson wakes up as Tony takes a particularly sharp corner at an extremely dangerous speed. He asks what he's doing in the back of the van. Steve tells him he fell asleep and nearly killed them all. Coulson asks why they decided to let Tony kill them instead.

8.32

It is now officially night. Tony sees a motel and asks if they should stop. Coulson thinks about it and decides that it's time to call it a night. Tony pulls into the motel car park.

8.35

Coulson is attempting to book them all separate rooms at the motel. The motel only has three double rooms. With double beds. Coulson takes one of these for himself, and leaves the other six to argue over the two beds they have between them.

8.37

Natasha has taken a second room for herself. She leaves the other five squabbling over which of them gets the bed in their shared room.

8.40

Tony, Clint, Bruce, Steve and Thor have gone up to look at their shared room. Three of them can fit on the bed if they don't mind being slightly squashed. There is not enough floor space for the other two to lie on.

8.43

Tony comes up with the ingenious solution of sleeping under the bed. There is just about space for two of them to fit. They draw lots to decide who gets the bed and who sleeps underneath it. Tony, Bruce and Steve get the bed.

8.45

They redraw lots when they realise that Thor won't fit under the bed. This time, Tony and Steve get under the bed.

8.52

Everyone gets into or under the bed. Clint regrets choosing the middle of the bed. Both Thor and Bruce are desperately clinging to him in an attempt not to fall off of the bed.

8.59

On the bed, Clint, Bruce and Thor are trying to sleep. They can hear strange noises from under the bed. Clint and Bruce try not to think about it. Thor has already fallen asleep.

9.02

The noises stop.

9.05

Coulson is lying awake, trying not to think of the journey back the next day.

9.10

Everyone has fallen asleep. Even Coulson.


	2. The Return Journey

The Return Journey

The team wake up bright, early and ready to return home. A few slight difficulties, including excessive caffeine consumption, childish pranks and a familial visit from someone who you could only begin describing as deranged, hinder their return to civilisation, or at least, working showers.

-2.30

Coulson wakes up at the crack of dawn and tells the team to get dressed and come down for breakfast. The motel offers a complimentary continental breakfast.

-2.15

Natasha arrives downstairs. Together, she and Coulson discover that this particular motel's idea of continental breakfast is soggy toast and stale cornflakes. Natasha decides she'll eat on the road. Coulson takes a mug of gritty coffee and sits down where he can see the stairs up to the rooms. Natasha lounges next to him, looking bored.

-2.10

Steve arrives downstairs. He says the others will be down shortly. He neglects to mention that none of them have yet woken up. He finds the least soggy piece of toast and sits

-2.05

Clint arrives downstairs, giggling. Steve asks what's so funny. Clint doesn't reply, but continues giggling as he gets his cornflakes and sits down.

-2.01

Natasha asks Clint what he did. He thinks about not telling her, but decides against it. Instead, he takes her upstairs to show her.

-1.55

Clint and Natasha are back, both giggling. Steve asks what Clint did. Clint tells him to look in their room. Sighing, Steve goes upstairs. After a moment, Coulson follows.

-1.50

Steve and Coulson have arrived at the room to find that Clint has rearranged the sleeping Thor and Bruce so that they are embracing. Steve sighs at Clint's immature sense of humour, but is secretly amused.

-1.47

Steve and Coulson return downstairs. As they appear, Clint and Natasha quickly move away from each other and try to look as if they were definitely not just making out. They fail. Coulson and Steve ignore them and sit down.

-1.44

Upstairs, Bruce has just woken up. He jumps as he realises he is being held in Thor's arms. Thor wakes up shouting. They both agree to pretend that nothing had happened. Thor goes down to breakfast.

-1.42

Bruce goes down to breakfast. Thor is inhaling a vast pile of soggy toast. Clint catches Bruce's eye and smirks. Bruce pretends not to see him and sits down with a bowl of cornflakes.

-1.38

Coulson asks where Tony is. Steve, Bruce and Clint all reply with "asleep" at the same time. Steve offers to go and wake him up. Clint smirks.

-1.34

Steve pulls Tony out from under the bed and attempts to wake him up. Tony opens his eyes slightly, mutters something incomprehensible, and goes back to sleep. Steve sighs and goes back downstairs.

-1.30

Coulson asks where Tony is. Steve says he's still asleep. Coulson tells him to wake him up. Steve says he tried. Coulson tells him to try harder. Steve says he'd like to see Coulson wake him up.

-1.28

Bruce offers to wake Tony up. Steve snorts.

-1.25

Bruce finds Tony sprawled on the floor, half-under the bed. He tries to wake him up. He fails. He goes back downstairs.

-1.19

Natasha offers to wake Tony up. Coulson says they would prefer Tony to be awake, not dead. He sends Thor to wake him up.

-1.14

The others can hear Thor's exuberant shouting from downstairs. Unfortunately, it appears that Tony can't. Thor returns downstairs. He asks if Tony has his own version of the Odinsleep. The others laugh.

-1.09

Coulson goes upstairs himself to try to wake Tony up. He fails.

-1.07

Coulson is arrives back downstairs to find that Natasha and Clint have vanished. Steve, Bruce and Thor do not know where they are. Coulson thinks he might know, but wishes he didn't.

-1.02

Steve goes back upstairs to try and wake Tony again. Thor and Bruce continue eating in awkward silence. Coulson is tempted to laugh, but doesn't.

-0.56

Steve returns, unsuccessful. He sips at a glass of violently bright orange juice, looking morose.

-0.53

Everyone is eating, drinking or sitting around in awkward silence. Steve contemplates broaching the subject of Clint's joke.

-0.49

The awkward silence still reigns.

-0.46

Natasha returns and asks if Tony has woken up yet. She offers to wake him up. Coulson agrees.

-0.42

Clint returns to the table. No one asks where he went. Coulson thinks he knows. He's right.

-0.37

Natasha returns with a groggy-looking but awake Tony. He limps slightly as he gets himself a large mug of coffee and collapses at the table.

-0.32

Tony is on his fourth mug of coffee. He appears to still only be semi-conscious, and has not yet said any recognisable words.

-0.24

Tony finishes his seventh mug of coffee and begins to look somewhat awake. Steve asks when they're leaving. Coulson says as soon as possible.

-0.20

Coulson goes to pay the bill.

-0.15

Coulson is still trying to pay the bill. He has gotten into a complicated argument about toast with the receptionist.

-0.12

Natasha goes to help Coulson pay the bill.

-0.11

The receptionist realises she was in the wrong. She also realises that they deserve a discount. She offers Coulson a significantly reduced bill.

-0.07

Coulson returns to the group and tells them to get in the van. Tony asks if they can stop for a real breakfast. Coulson agrees.

0.00

Everyone returns to their seats in the van and they set off. Clint asks if they can buy more air fresheners. Coulson agrees.

0.05

Tony sees a donut store and asks to pull over for breakfast. The other Avengers agree. Coulson pulls over and buys two dozen donuts.

0.10

Coulson returns to the store to buy another two dozen donuts after Tony and Thor eat the first two dozen between them.

0.15

The rest of the donuts are gone. Thor wants more donuts. Coulson says he's had more than enough already. Coulson is starting to understand how parents feel.

0.19

Clint needs to pee. Coulson tells him to hold on till the next service station.

0.24

They have not yet reached a service station. Coulson tells Clint he should have been before they left. Clint says he didn't need to go then. Thor asks if they can stop to buy poptarts. Tony says the poptart toaster has gone missing anyway. He glares suspiciously at the back of Coulson's head.

0.27

Tony asks why Natasha gets to ride shotgun again. Coulson says it's because she is the least annoying. He doesn't add that it's also because she's the most dangerous.

0.31

Clint spots a service station. They pull over and he goes to pee. Tony borrows Coulson's wallet and goes in search of some decent coffee.

0.33

Coulson realises that both his wallet and Tony are missing. He goes in search of both.

0.35

Clint returns. He whispers something to Natasha, and leaves again.

0.37

Natasha leaves.

0.39

Steve decides to go and look for Tony. Bruce and Thor are left alone.

0.40

Bruce mutters something about going to the toilet and leaves Thor alone. Thor wonders what he did.

0.42

Coulson returns with Tony and his wallet. Tony has a huge cup of coffee and a large carrier bag full of assorted confectioneries. Thor immediately claims the latter. Tony gets back into the van and sits down, sipping his coffee.

0.44

Steve returns and sits down next to Tony.

0.47

Bruce returns and sits as far away from Thor as he can.

0.50

Clint returns and sits in his seat. He knows it's his seat because a) everyone else is avoiding it and b) it smells of pee. He wishes it didn't.

0.52

Natasha returns and they depart. Tony asks if he can ride shotgun. Coulson ignores him.

0.56

Tony suggests that they play a game. Coulson disagrees. They continue driving in silence.

0.59

Tony finishes his coffee. Steve thinks Tony has had too much caffeine.

1.04

Steve is right. Tony is bouncing in his seat. He asks where his candy is. Thor has eaten it all. Steve thinks this can only be a bad thing.

1.07

Steve is right. Tony and Thor are on respective caffeine and sugar highs. Thor is rocking the whole van with his bouncing and Tony is talking too fast for anyone to understand about things they probably wouldn't understand anyway.

1.12

Thor has managed to rock the van enough to roll it onto its side. He gets out and enthusiastically rolls it back onto its wheels. Amazingly, nothing crashes with them. Coulson tells Thor to walk until the effects of the sugar have worn off. As they drive off, Coulson hopes that Thor won't cause too much trouble.

1.14

Tony has started taking apart his karaoke machine and rebuilding it. The others look on, fascinated and wondering what he's building this time. Tony's hands are shaking slightly as he builds it, and Bruce wonders whether it will actually work at all.

1.16

Tony has dropped a small component on the floor of the van and is desperately searching for it. He finds it under Bruce's seat. Bruce feels uncomfortable as Tony dives between his legs to retrieve it.

1.21

Tony has finished rebuilding the machine. None of the others can tell what it does yet.

1.22

Tony turns on the machine. It blasts loud music and shines multicoloured lights onto the insides of the van. Tony has created a miniature disco.

1.23

Coulson says it is too early in the morning for a disco, and makes Tony turn it off. Tony does, and returns to his seat, sulking. The effect is slightly spoiled by his uncontrollably jiggling foot.

1.27

The silence in the van is beginning to get awkward. Coulson turns on the radio. They listen to a dull talk show for a while.

1.32

Everyone is staring out of the window, bored. No one knows what the people on the radio are talking about, but they can all agree that whatever it is is extremely boring.

1.34

Tony suggests they play a game. This time, Coulson agrees. He turns off the radio. He asks Tony what game he wants to play. Tony doesn't know.

1.35

Tony takes out his smartphone and googles "car games". He scrolls through a page and sighs. He changes it to "games to play in the car" and tries again.

1.36

Tony reads out a list of suggestions. The others reject them all.

1.37

Tony is sulking. Steve suggests they play a word association game.

1.38

No one else has any better suggestions. Steve begins the game. He says "van". Clint says "hell". Tony says "van". Steve says that's not how the game works. Tony sulks.

1.39

Steve starts the game again. He says "motel". Clint says "hell". Tony says "van". Natasha says "boring". Tony says "this game". Steve sulks.

1.40

Coulson suggests they play something else. He starts a game of I Spy. Coulson spies something beginning with "T".

1.42

Tony guesses "Trees". He's right. Tony's word begins with "SA". Steve says Tony's word can't begin with two letters. Tony says it's two words. Steve says it can't be two words. Tony says the thing he can see is two words. Coulson tells Steve to let it go.

1.44

Natasha guesses "Stupid Asses". Tony says she is wrong. Natasha says she is right. Tony asks how she can be right if Tony says she is wrong. Natasha says she is always right.

1.45

Natasha was wrong.

1.47

Everyone is bored of this game. Tony reveals that "SA" stands for "Steve's Abs". Steve is mad at Tony.

1.49

Natasha wonders what Fury is doing. Clint bets Fury has a camera installed in the van and is watching everything they do.

1.50

Tony bets Fury is eating a chocolate ice cream and watching porn.

1.51

Steve bets Fury is doing important SHIELD work. No one agrees with him.

1.52

Coulson bets Fury is watching Supernanny.

1.53

Natasha suggests that "What is Fury doing" could be a new game. Everyone agrees.

1.54

Natasha bets Fury is shooting something with a big gun.

1.55

Tony bets that Natasha meant "big gun" as an innuendo.

1.56

Natasha disagrees. Violently.

1.57

Clint bets that Fury is using cardboard cutouts of Loki for target practise.

1.58

Tony bets that Fury is using cardboard cutouts of Loki for something inappropriate. Tony is banned from contributing to the game.

1.59

Steve bets that Fury is planning their next team bonding activity. Everyone hopes he's wrong.

2.00

Coulson bets that Fury is going grocery shopping. Everyone giggles as they imagine Fury shopping at Walmart.

2.01

Natasha bets that Fury is washing his hair. Clint reminds her that Fury is bald. Natasha bets that Fury is washing his beard.

2.02

Bruce bets that Fury is washing his eyepatch. Everyone shudders as they imagine what might be under the eyepatch.

2.03

Thor bets that Fury is eating his lunch. Tony points out that it isn't lunchtime yet. Thor points out that he is hungry.

2.04

Clint bets that Fury is painting his toenails.

2.05

Natasha bets that Fury is reading a romance novel.

2.06

Steve bets that Fury is still asleep. Tony wishes he was still asleep.

2.07

Coulson bets that Fury is spying on his enemies.

2.08

Natasha bets that Fury is spying on his friends.

2.09

Clint bets that Fury doesn't have any friends.

2.10

Coulson bets that Clint doesn't have any friends.

2.11

Clint bets that Coulson's mom doesn't have any friends.

2.12

Coulson bets that Clint's face doesn't have any friends.

2.13

Natasha bets that Clint and Coulson are 5 years old.

2.14

Bruce bets that Fury is hiding in the van.

2.15

Steve bets that Fury is disguised as one of the Avengers.

2.16

Tony suggests that everyone strips off to prove that they aren't Fury. No one agrees.

2.17

Everyone suggests that Tony shouldn't start stripping off to prove he's not Fury. Tony disagrees.

2.18

Coulson threatens to tape Tony to the roof again if he doesn't stop removing his clothes. Tony agrees.

2.19

Tony bets that Fury is doing something obscene at SHIELD headquarters. Tony is reminded that he is banned from joining in with the game.

2.20

Thor bets that Fury is building a giant slide at SHIELD headquarters. Everyone else wonders why.

2.21

Clint bets that Fury is borrowing Tony's Iron Man suit. Tony bets that Fury couldn't break past his security. Clint bets that Fury already has.

2.22

Natasha bets that Fury is thinking of all the ways this trip could have gone wrong. Tony bets that Fury hasn't thought of half of the things that actually have gone wrong. Everyone agrees.

2.23

Coulson bets that this game is starting to get boring. Everyone agrees.

2.24

Tony bets that stopping for ice cream would be a good idea. Everyone agrees.

2.27

Tony sees somewhere selling ice creams. They stop.

2.30

Coulson buys everyone ice creams. Thor asks for two ice creams. Coulson buys him one large ice cream. Thor is disappointed. Tony asks for extra chocolate sprinkles. Coulson buys him a flake instead. Tony is disappointed.

2.33

They return to the van. Coulson tells them not to drip ice cream on the seats.

2.35

Clint drips ice cream on his seat. He figures it doesn't matter as no one else will want to use his seat anyway. He's right.

2.37

Thor drips ice cream on his seat. Tony tells him to lick it off. Thor ignores him.

2.39

Tony drips ice cream on Steve. Tony offers to lick it off. Steve refuses.

2.42

Tony drips ice cream on Bruce. Bruce is relieved that Tony doesn't offer to lick it off.

2.45

Everyone has finished their ice cream. Tony asks if they can have more ice cream. Coulson says no.

2.47

Tony asks if they can play another game. Coulson says no.

2.49

Tony asks if he can turn on his disco machine. Coulson says no.

2.52

Tony turns on his disco machine. Coulson pulls over, takes the disco machine out, and methodically smashes it into smithereens. Tony looks upset.

2.55

Everyone is bored.

2.59

Coulson turns on the radio. One Direction starts playing. Coulson turns off the radio.

3.04

Tony suggests that they play I Spy again. Coulson says no.

3.05

Tony spies a fun-killing agent. No one laughs.

3.09

Steve sees a yellow car. He says "yellow car".

3.10

Tony asks why Steve said "yellow car". Steve says he saw a yellow car. Steve explains the rules of yellow car.

3.14

Tony sees a yellow car. He says "yellow car".

3.19

Steve sees a yellow car. He says "yellow car". Tony says the car was gold. Steve says it was yellow. Coulson decides it was gold. Tony punches Steve as hard as he can. Steve barely notices.

3.22

Clint sees a yellow motorbike. He says "yellow motorbike". Steve and Tony both say motorbikes don't count. Tony punches Clint as hard as he can. Clint says ouch.

3.35

Tony and Steve see a yellow car. They both say "yellow car". They both say they said it first. They both punch each other. Tony yells "ouch" and clutches his dead arm. Steve says he said "yellow car" first. Tony agrees.

3.38

Natasha says that yellow car is boring.

3.39

Natasha sees a yellow car. She says "yellow car".

3.42

Bruce sees a yellow van. He says "yellow car". Tony says vans aren't cars. He punches Bruce as hard as he can. Bruce glares at Tony.

3.48

Thor sees a yellow car. He says "yellow car". Tony and Steve say it was a beige car. Tony punches Thor. Thor punches Tony. Tony thinks his arm is broken.

3.52

Tony and Bruce both see a yellow car. They say "yellow car". Bruce is certain he said it before Tony. He punches Tony as hard as he can. Tony thinks his arm is definitely broken. Bruce punches it again, and tells him it isn't. Tony sulks.

3.56

Clint and Natasha see a yellow car. They say "yellow car". Clint starts to say he said it first, then thinks the better of it. Natasha smirks.

4.00

No one can see any yellow cars. They are starting to get bored.

4.03

Tony asks if he can ride shotgun. Coulson says no.

4.06

Coulson is bored. He says the next person to see a yellow car gets to ride shotgun. He says Natasha gets to punish the next person who says "yellow car" when there isn't a yellow car. Natasha likes the sound of this.

4.09

Clint sees a yellow car. He says "yellow car". The car has black stripes. Natasha hits Clint. His scream is extremely high-pitched. Tony says he thinks it burst his eardrum. Clint says he thinks he might be permanently damaged. Natasha laughs.

4.12

Tony sees a yellow car. He says "yellow car". The car was definitely yellow. Coulson pulls over and Tony switches seats with Natasha.

4.14

Tony turns on the radio. He finds a station playing rock music and turns the volume up.

4.15

Coulson turns the radio off. He threatens to tape Tony to the roof if he misbehaves. Tony sulks.

4.19

Tony opens his window.

4.21

Tony sticks his head out of the window.

4.22

Coulson tells Tony to stop acting like a child.

4.23

Tony tells Coulson he's not his real mom.

4.24

Coulson wishes he hadn't let Tony ride shotgun.

4.25

Natasha switches seats with Thor. She is now sitting next to Clint. Thor is now sitting next to Bruce. Bruce is uncomfortable.

4.27

Clint notices that Bruce looks uncomfortable. He laughs.

4.29

Tony asks Clint what he's laughing about. Steve explains Clint's joke.

4.30

Bruce glares at Clint. Thor laughs.

4.33

Tony starts playing with the glove compartment. Coulson tells him to stop.

4.37

Tony finds an old packet of wine gums. He eats them all.

4.43

Tony is sick.

4.45

Coulson sees a service station and pulls over. He tells Tony to go and clean himself up. He asks the others to help him clean up Tony's sick. Everyone except for Steve vanishes. Together, they clean up the vomit and complain about Tony.

4.52

Tony comes back. He is clean, but still doesn't look well. Coulson finds a bucket.

4.54

Coulson goes to look for everyone else. He find Bruce trying to persuade Thor not to buy a giant Toblerone. He takes both of them back to the van.

4.59

Natasha and Clint return to the van. They are holding hands. Clint notices everyone staring and tries to drop Natasha's hand. Natasha doesn't let him. Clint winces.

5.02

They set off again. Tony is hugging his bucket and looking miserable.

5.06

Clint and Natasha are making out in the back. Thor, Bruce and Steve are looking uncomfortable.

5.10

Bruce is starting to look a little green. Everyone edges away from him, looking nervous. Bruce says he feels carsick. Tony hands him his bucket.

5.13

Bruce is sick in the bucket.

5.15

Coulson pulls over and makes Tony switch seats with Bruce. Tony asks why. Coulson says because he says so. Tony sighs.

5.20

The van suddenly stops. It appears to have broken down.

5.21

Coulson gets out and opens the bonnet.

5.24

Nothing happens.

5.27

The others begin to wonder whether something has happened to Coulson.

5.28

They get out of the van to check. Coulson is lying on the ground, unconscious.

5.29

They hear laughter coming from on top of the van. Loki is standing on the roof.

5.30

Tony suggests that a homicidal maniac was just the thing this road trip needed. Thor says he will handle his brother.

5.32

Thor tries to handle Loki. It doesn't end well.

5.35

Coulson regains consciousness. He asks what happened. Tony says Loki happened.

5.37

Steve asks Loki what he wants. Loki appears to think about it.

5.38

Loki is still thinking about it.

5.39

Loki finally says he isn't sure what he wants.

5.40

Steve suggests that Loki leaves them alone. Steve suggests that Loki doesn't need to fight them.

5.41

Loki laughs.

5.42

Bruce asks Loki if he would like another encounter with the Hulk. Loki doesn't laugh.

5.43

Loki decides that he actually does want to leave. Loki vanishes.

5.45

Everyone agrees that what just happened was really weird. They return to the van and set off again.

5.50

Tony asks if they're nearly there yet. They aren't.

5.58

Tony asks if they're nearly there yet. They aren't.

6.04

Tony asks if they can stop for food. They can't.

6.08

Thor asks if they can stop for food. They can't.

6.12

Everyone asks if they can stop for food. They can.

6.13

Coulson pulls into a McDonald's. Everyone orders vast quantities of food. Coulson hopes his expenses will cover this.

6.15

The bill is over $100. Coulson really hopes his expenses will cover this.

6.17

They eat their food in the van. Everyone is relatively quiet and happy, for once.

6.20

Clint needs to pee. Coulson says they only just stopped. Coulson says Clint should have peed then.

6.24

Tony needs to pee. Clint still needs to pee. Coulson says they should have peed at McDonald's.

6.29

Steve and Thor need to pee. Tony and Clint still needs to pee. Coulson gives in and pulls in at a service station.

6.31

Everyone needs to pee. Coulson sits alone in the van and wonders what he did to deserve this.

6.36

Bruce and Thor return. They sit silently in the van with Coulson.

6.40

Clint and Natasha return. No one is surprised to see them together.

6.44

Tony and Steve still haven't returned. Clint and Bruce exchange meaningful glances. Neither of them offers to go and look for them.

6.50

Coulson goes to look for Steve and Tony.

6.54

Coulson comes back without Steve and Tony. He looks like a man who has seen things he never wants to see again.

6.57

Steve returns. Coulson stares at him with a mixture of horror and disgust. Natasha wonders what Coulson saw. Clint and Bruce exchange sympathetic glances.

7.00

Tony returns. Coulson makes Tony sit in the back. Natasha returns to her seat in the front.

7.03

Tony is touching Steve inappropriately. Steve tells him to stop. Tony asks why. Steve says because there are other people here. Tony doesn't care. They do.

7.06

Tony asks if they're nearly there yet. They aren't.

7.10

Thor sees a McDonald's and wants to stop. Coulson says he's not made of money.

7.13

Tony sees a yellow car. He says yellow car. Steve punches Tony. Tony asks why. Steve says because Tony is annoying. Everyone agrees. Tony tells everyone to stop punching him. No one listens.

7.15

Coulson tells everyone to stop punching Tony. They do.

7.16

Tony wonders whether Coulson has magical powers.

7.17

Tony asks Coulson if he has magical powers. Coulson says no.

7.18

Tony asks Coulson if he's sure. Coulson says yes.

7.19

Tony asks Coulson if they can play Twenty Questions. Coulson says no.

7.20

Tony asks Coulson what Fury had for breakfast. Coulson doesn't know.

7.21

Tony thinks Fury had the blood of his enemies for breakfast. Steve thinks Tony is disgusting.

7.23

Clint thinks Fury had a cooked breakfast. Clint feels jealous.

7.24

Natasha thinks Fury had the tears of orphans for breakfast.

7.25

Tony decides that "What Fury had for breakfast" is their new game. Steve asks why all their games have to centre around Fury.

7.26

Clint thinks Fury had the eggs of bald eagles for breakfast.

7.27

Thor thinks Fury had soup for breakfast. No one asks why.

7.28

Tony thinks Fury had whale sperm for breakfast. No one asks why.

7.29

Steve thinks Fury had the souls of new SHIELD agents for breakfast. Coulson agrees.

7.30

Natasha thinks Fury had all of the goodness in the world poached and served on toast for breakfast.

7.31

Coulson thinks Fury had cornflakes sprinkled with the tears of his enemies.

7.32

Thor asks why Fury eats so many souls and tears. Tony says it is to make up for his lack of soul.

7.33

Tony checks the van for recording equipment. He really hopes Fury isn't watching them.

7.34

Coulson suggests they stop playing Fury-oriented games. Everyone agrees.

7.40

Tony asks if they're nearly there yet. They aren't.

7.44

Thor asks if they can stop for ice cream. They can't.

7.49

Clint asks if they can stop to pee. They can't.

7.53

Clint really needs to pee. Coulson sighs and pulls over. He makes everyone else stay in the van whilst Clint goes to pee.

7.58

Clint returns and they leave. Coulson is relieved that no one went missing, for once.

8.00

Coulson notices that Tony is missing. He goes back and drags Tony out of the coffee shop. He confiscates Tony's coffee. Tony sulks.

8.04

Clint has fallen asleep. Tony asks if they're nearly there yet. They aren't.

8.10

Thor has fallen asleep. Tony asks if they're nearly there yet. They aren't.

8.14

Bruce has fallen asleep. Tony asks if they're nearly there yet. They aren't.

8.19

Natasha has fallen asleep. Tony asks if they're nearly there yet. They aren't.

8.26

Everyone except for Tony and Coulson has fallen asleep. Tony begins to ask if they're nearly there yet. Coulson tells him to shut up.

8.31

Tony has fallen asleep. Coulson is glad. Peace and quiet at last.

8.38

Coulson wishes someone else was still awake. He is beginning to feel tired.

8.43

Coulson turns the radio on and puts the volume up to maximum in an attempt to stay awake.

8.46

Natasha is woken up by the radio. She is very angry. She takes it out on the radio. The radio does not come out well.

8.52

Natasha is asleep again. Coulson is bored.

8.59

Coulson is feeling very sleepy. The van starts to weave around the road.

9.01

Steve wakes up and offers to drive. Coulson happily accepts and dozes off in Steve's seat.

9.12

Coulson is woken up by Tony leaning against him. Coulson is not happy with where Tony's hands are headed. He wakes Tony up.

9.13

Tony asks where Steve is. Coulson says Steve is driving. Tony looks surprised and slightly upset.

9.19

Everyone has fallen asleep again. Steve thinks that even Coulson looks peaceful now.

9.24

Tony wakes up and asks if they're nearly there. They are.

9.32

They arrive with no deaths or major injuries. All in all, Coulson counts it as a success. He evades Fury's questions about what exactly happened on the trip.

9.36

Everyone is unconscious. No one plans on waking up any time soon.


	3. Fury Takes The Wheel

Fury Takes The Wheel

After having gotten the whole story out of Coulson, Fury feels that the team have not performed as well as they could have on their road trip. He decides to take them on another road trip – and this time, he's coming too. None of the team are particularly pleased by this, except for Coulson, who is under the impression that this time, he won't be coming. With only mild trauma and superficial wounds, the Avengers survive another bonding experience, and Fury lives up to his name.

-2.00

Fury is attempting to gather all of the Avengers together by the van. He has managed to gather Bruce and Steve together by the van.

-1.55

Fury sends Bruce and Steve to go and find the others and bring them back to the van.

-1.52

Coulson appears. He asks Fury how the trip is going. Fury doesn't reply.

-1.46

Bruce returns with Thor. Steve returns alone. Steve says Tony is determinedly unconscious and refuses to get up. Fury tells Steve that Tony doesn't have to be conscious, he just has to be in the van. Fury sends Steve back to get Tony.

-1.42

Coulson makes a sarcastic comment about how well the trip is going. Fury glares at Coulson.

-1.37

Coulson says he is glad he isn't going on this trip. Fury tells him he is going.

-1.35

Coulson is sulking. Steve has not yet returned. Natasha and Clint have not yet appeared.

-1.32

Fury sends Coulson to find Natasha and Clint.

-1.28

Steve returns with an unconscious Tony in his arms. He dumps him unceremoniously in the back of the van.

-1.22

Tony wakes up. He realises he is in the van, in his pyjamas. He tries to leave the van. Fury won't let him.

-1.20

Tony asks Fury if he can go and get dressed. Fury won't let him.

-1.27

Tony goes back to sleep.

-1.24

Coulson returns with Natasha. She doesn't know where Clint is. Coulson says Clint is not in his bedroom.

-1.21

Fury sends Coulson, Steve and Bruce to look for Clint.

-1.24

Coulson returns without Clint.

-1.22

Bruce returns without Clint.

-1.19

Steve returns without Clint.

-1.14

Fury sends Natasha to look for Clint.

-1.10

Natasha returns without Clint.

-1.03

Natasha suggests they check the ceilings for Clint.

-0.54

They find Clint in the ceiling.

-0.51

Fury has gathered everyone together by the van. Clint needs to pee.

-0.47

Coulson advises Fury to let Clint pee. Clint goes to the bathroom.

-0.42

Clint returns. Fury tells everyone to get in the van.

-0.39

Tony is still unconscious on the floor of the van. Steve straps him into his seat.

-0.34

There are not enough seats in the back of the van for everyone. Everyone offers to stay behind. Fury refuses.

-0.31

Natasha and Coulson are sharing the front seat. There are now enough seats for everyone.

-0.27

Clint tries to persuade Steve to swap seats with him. Steve almost does, then remembered what happened to Clint's seat.

-0.24

Fury starts the van. They try to leave.

-0.23

The van breaks down. They have not yet managed to leave.

-0.21

Steve wakes up Tony. Fury makes Tony fix the van.

-0.14

Tony has fixed the van. Tony needs to pee.

-0.11

Tony is back. They try to leave again.

-0.10

Thor is hungry. He asks if they can go back for some food. They do.

-0.04

The back of the van is now filled with food. Thor is happy. Fury is not.

0.00

They finally depart. Fury can now see why the last road trip did not go well.

0.04

Tony is asleep again. Everyone else is unusually quiet. Fury is beginning to think that this might not be too bad.

0.08

Coulson turns on the radio. Everyone starts singing along. Fury is beginning to think that this might be absolutely awful.

0.10

Thor's loud and tuneless singing has woken Tony up. Tony is extremely grumpy.

0.12

Tony is designing noise-cancelling earplugs.

0.14

Fury wishes he had noise-cancelling earplugs.

0.17

Fury turns off the radio. Thor keeps singing.

0.18

Fury tells Thor to shut up. He does.

0.21

Tony is bored. He says so. Loudly and often.

0.23

Fury tells Tony to shut up.

0.24

Fury is enforcing a rule of silence. There is an air of quiet discontent in the van. Fury wonders how they survived the last trip.

0.27

Everyone is bored. They tell Fury. He tells them to shut up.

0.32

Everyone is still bored. They ask if they can play a game.

0.33

Fury asks what sort of game. Steve suggests I Spy and Twenty Questions. Tony suggests "Fury went to the store and bought".

0.34

Fury asks what "Fury went to the store and bought" is.

0.35

Tony explains.

0.36

Fury is not happy. They do not play "Fury went to the store and bought".

0.39

Steve begins a game of I Spy. He spies something beginning with "F".

0.40

Tony guesses "Fury". He is right. Tony also spies something beginning with "F".

0.41

Clint guesses "Fury". He is wrong.

0.43

Natasha guesses "Fun". She is close. Clint points out that there is nothing fun within a mile radius of the van.

0.47

Clint guesses "Fun-killer". He is right. Clint points out that this is the same as "Fury".

0.48

Fury has reinstated his rule of silence.

0.50

Tony is bored.

0.53

Fury produces an ABBA CD. He puts it on at full volume. The entire van, including Fury, sings along to _Dancing Queen_.

1.10

Fury knows all the words to _Take A Chance On Me_, _Mamma Mia_, _Lay All Your Love On Me_, _Super Trouper_, _I Have A Dream_, _The Winner Takes It All_, and _Money, Money, Money. _The Avengers are wondering what else they didn't know about him.

1.15

Coulson and Fury are singing _S.O.S. _together. Tony wonders whether they're secretly married.

1.21

Coulson and Fury are singing _Voulez-Vous_. Tony has decided that they're definitely secretly married.

1.29

Everyone is singing along to _Thank You For The Music_. No one is singing in tune.

1.32

Thor is eating the last of the food and singing along to _Waterloo _with his mouth full. Everyone else is trying not to look at Thor.

1.36

Everyone is singing along to _Dancing Queen _again. Even Steve and Thor know all the words.

1.42

Tony is singing _Mamma Mia _at Steve. Steve is studiously ignoring Tony. He wishes Tony were less embarrassing.

1.45

Clint is singing _Lay All Your Love On Me _to Natasha. Natasha starts singing along. Tony wishes Steve would sing ABBA songs with him.

1.49

Tony is sulking. Steve is wondering why Tony is mad at him.

1.52

Steve asks Tony why he's mad at him. Tony says it's because he won't sing ABBA songs with him. Steve says Tony is being silly. Tony is sulking even more determinedly.

1.54

Tony stops sulking to sing _The Winner Takes It All_, pausing occasionally to glare at Steve. Steve sighs every time Tony glares at him.

1.59

Steve sings _Chiquitita_ to Tony. Tony cheers up considerably.

2.02

Steve and Tony are cuddling. Clint pretends to vomit but secretly finds it adorable. Bruce wishes they would move it further into Steve's seat. He's being slightly squashed.

2.04

Bruce tries to push Tony and Steve away from him. Tony thinks Bruce is jealous and tries to include him in the hug. Bruce does not want to be included in the hug. He tries to resist. He fails.

2.05

Bruce is feeling even more uncomfortable. He even contemplates switching seats with Clint.

2.06

Fury is singing along to _Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)_. Natasha is filming him on her phone.

2.08

Fury noticed Natasha filming him and has confiscated her phone. He doesn't realise she has already sent the video file to Tony, who is currently uploading it to Youtube.

2.12

Tony has emailed the video link to every SHIELD employee.

2.13

Coulson is watching the video on his phone and trying to stifle his laughter.

2.14

Fury has noticed Coulson watching the video. He asks who is responsible. No one owns up.

2.15

Fury assumes that Tony is responsible. He tells him to delete the video. Tony reluctantly obeys. He wonders how many SHIELD employees managed to watch the video.

2.16

From the number of texts Fury is suddenly receiving, it was a lot.

2.17

Fury has turned off the ABBA music. Everyone is disappointed.

2.20

Fury is enforcing a rule of silence again.

2.24

Tony quietly starts a game of "Fury went to the store and bought" with Steve and Bruce.

2.28

Fury hears their muffled giggles and asks what they're doing. They stop playing "Fury went to the store and bought".

2.32

Coulson turns on the radio. _Voulez-Vous _starts playing. Fury turns off the radio.

2.35

Tony and Steve are back in their respective seats. They are having an argument. No one is quite sure what it is about.

2.38

Tony and Steve are still squabbling.

2.41

Bruce has somehow joined in with Tony and Steve's argument. It has gotten very loud.

2.44

Bruce, Tony and Steve are now hitting, biting, scratching and pulling each other's hair.

2.49

Clint has somehow joined in with the fight.

2.52

Thor has also joined the fight.

2.55

Natasha has climbed into the back to try and break up the fight.

2.56

Natasha has joined the fight.

2.59

Fury says he will turn the van around if they don't stop fighting immediately.

3.01

Fury turns the van around.

3.04

Fury pulls over, and goes round to the back of the van. He yells until they stop fighting. He gets back into the van and turns it around again. They continue driving in silence.

3.06

Natasha is back in the front seat with Coulson. She seems to be the only uninjured Avenger. The others are nursing their wounds and sulking in the back.

3.10

Clint needs to pee. Fury refuses to stop.

3.12

Everyone needs to pee. Fury pulls over at the next service station and everyone goes to the bathroom, including Fury.

3.15

Fury is first to arrive back. He realises he left the keys in the van. He realises this because the van has vanished.

3.19

Coulson and Natasha arrive back. They ask where the van is. Fury has to say he doesn't know.

3.21

Thor and Steve arrive back. They ask where the van is. Natasha tells them Fury lost it. Natasha almost wishes Tony was there to making a joke about Fury having lost it a long time ago.

3.24

Tony and Clint arrive back. The van has still not reappeared. Tony asks how Fury managed to lose the van. Clint says it's his natural talent. Fury tells them both to shut up.

3.27

They find the van. It is speeding up the wrong side of the road and crashes into a shiny BMW.

3.32

They find Loki in the wreckage. He giggles and vanishes as Fury tries to grab hold of him. Tony mutters something about a dysfunctional family. Thor looks upset.

3.35

The BMW is a write-off. Fury is arguing with its owner, an angry, red-faced man. The van looks even more bedraggled than before, but appears to still be working.

3.39

Fury has persuaded the BMW's owner that he doesn't want to sue them. They get back in the van.

3.42

The van starts, eventually. They set off again.

3.45

Thor is hungry. He sees a McDonald's and ask if they can stop. They can't.

3.49

Tony is also hungry.

3.53

Everyone is hungry. They want to stop. Fury refuses.

3.59

Everyone is still hungry. They still want to stop. Fury still refuses.

4.02

They see a McDonald's and ask to stop. Fury gives in.

4.05

This McDonald's does not have a drive-thru. Fury threatens them with extreme corporal punishment if they don't behave and they go in.

4.07

Everyone in the McDonald's is giving Tony weird looks. They remember that Tony is still in his pyjamas.

4.09

Tony stares at everyone giving him weird looks until they look away, embarrassed. Some of them begin to think that they, too, should be wearing pyjamas.

4.16

They order their food and claim two tables in the corner. Fury remains at the counter to wait for the food.

4.18

Fury joins them at their tables with the food. They begin eating loudly and messily. Everyone is staring at them.

4.22

A little boy at the next table asks Steve if he's Captain America. Steve smiles and says he is. The boy asks what Captain America is doing in McDonald's. Tony says that is one of the great mysteries of life. Steve says he's eating his lunch.

4.25

A guy at the next table starts hitting on Natasha. Clint has to hold her back to stop her breaking his arms. Everyone gives them a wide berth after that.

4.29

Thor asks if he can have a McFlurry. Fury says no.

4.31

Tony asks if he can have a McFlurry. Fury says no.

4.34

Coulson buys himself a McFlurry.

4.39

Fury buys McFlurries for everyone else to stop them complaining.

4.42

They leave the McDonald's. Fury contemplates abandoning the trip.

4.46

Tony and Steve are squabbling again. Fury tells them to stop.

4.49

Fury says he will pull over and make them sorry they were ever born if they don't stop arguing immediately.

4.52

Fury pulls over, drags Tony and Steve out of the van, and yells at them for two minutes straight. They return to the van in silence.

4.58

Tony is bored.

5.02

Tony asks if they can play a game.

5.04

Tony starts a game of "Fury went to the store and bought". Fury went to the store and bought an axe.

5.05

No one else wants to join in Tony's game.

5.06

Tony continues by himself. Fury went to the store and bought an axe and a bra.

5.07

Fury went to the store and bought an axe, a bra and a carrot.

5.08

Fury went to the store and bought an axe, a bra, a carrot, and a dildo.

5.09

Fury's rule of silence has been reinstated. Tony is banned from talking for the rest of the journey.

5.13

Tony says he's bored. Fury tells Tony to shut up.

5.16

Tony says he's bored. Fury threatens Tony with cruel and unusual punishment unless he shuts up immediately.

5.20

Tony says he's bored. Fury pulls over. He makes Tony get out of the van. He gets back into the van. He drives off, leaving Tony by the side of the road.

5.24

Steve asks if they can go back for Tony. They can't.

5.27

Tony phones Steve and asks if they can come back for him. They can't.

5.31

Coulson takes Tony's seat in the back of the van. He says Tony will be fine. Steve disagrees. They begin to argue.

5.33

Clint joins the argument.

5.36

Thor and Bruce join the argument.

5.39

Fury pulls over. He yells at everyone to shut up. He tells them he is turning the van around. He says the road trip is over.

5.40

Fury turns the van around. They begin driving back the way they came in silence.

5.28

They drive past Tony. Steve asks if they can pick him up. Fury ignores him. Tony stares sadly at the van as it drives past him, and starts to walk after it. Steve mouths "I'm sorry" through the back window.

5.22

Steve can no longer see Tony through the back window. He wonders what will happen to him.

5.33

Steve wonders whether the rest of the drive home will be conducted in silence. Fury is steaming silently. Steve thinks this road trip hasn't been a success.

5.36

Natasha opens her window. Fury closes it.

5.39

Natasha turns on the radio. Fury turns it off.

5.43

Natasha turns on the air conditioning. Fury turns it off.

5.47

Natasha turns on the hazards. Fury turns them off.

5.50

Natasha reaches for the control panel. Fury tells her that the next finger to touch a button is going out the window. Natasha returns her hand to her lap.

6.01

Bruce starts humming.

6.02

Fury tells whoever is humming to shut up.

6.10

Clint asks if they can stop to pee. They can't.

6.16

Clint really needs to pee. Fury refuses to stop.

6.19

Steve is still staring out of the back window. He is thinking about Tony. He wonders whether Tony is thinking about him. He wonders what has happened to Tony. He contemplates asking if they can go back for him but decides against it.

6.22

Clint still needs to pee. He asks if they can stop. They can't.

6.27

Steve receives a text from Tony. It is filled with expletives, mainly directed at Fury. Steve replies with sympathy. Tony tells Steve exactly where he can stick his sympathy. Steve doesn't reply.

6.31

Clint is bouncing in his seat. Fury tells him to stop. Clint tells him he needs to pee. Fury tells him that's too bad.

6.36

Steve receives a text from Tony. It says "sorry". Steve doesn't reply.

6.42

Clint really, really needs to pee. He says he will probably wet himself soon. Fury tells him that's too bad.

6.48

Steve receives a text from Tony. It says "super-mega-sorry with knobs on". Steve doesn't reply.

6.51

Clint is starting to look really desperate. Bruce hands him an empty bottle. Clint raises one eyebrow, and declines. He asks Fury if they can stop to pee. They can't.

6.55

Clint pees in the bottle. Everyone else tries to sit as far away from him as possible.

6.58

Clint looks for something to do with the bottle. No one wants the bottle anywhere near them.

7.01

Clint throws the bottle out the window. Fury tells him off for littering. Clint says he only did it because Fury wouldn't let him pee. Fury doesn't reply.

7.06

Steve receives a text from Tony. It says "I'm really really really really really really sorry". Steve doesn't reply.

7.13

Clint says he's bored. Fury tells him to shut up. Fury starts speeding.

7.18

A cop car appears behind them. Fury continues speeding.

7.20

The cops are telling them to pull over. Fury continues speeding.

7.21

Coulson tells Fury to pull over. He does (eventually).

7.29

The cop asks Fury if he knows how fast he was going. Fury asks the cop if he knows who he is. The cop doesn't.

7.31

Steve appears. The cop knows who he is. He says he'll let them go if he can have Steve's autograph. Steve agrees. Fury looks disgruntled.

7.34

Fury continues speeding.

7.41

Fury is pulled over again. This cop doesn't care that Captain America, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Thor and the Hulk are in the van. Natasha asks him to reconsider his decision. With some persuasion, he does. He winces as he returns to his car.

7.45

Fury continues speeding.

7.48

Steve tells Fury to stop speeding. Fury ignores him.

7.52

Clint asks if they're nearly there yet. Fury ignores him.

7.59

Thor asks if they can stop for food. Fury ignores him.

8.03

Steve says this is even worse than the last trip. Everyone agrees. Even Fury doesn't object.

8.08

Fury turns on the radio. They listen to the news in silence.

8.12

The news is still on. It is extremely boring. It appears that nothing has happened, and yet they can talk about nothing having happened at great length.

8.17

Natasha changes the radio station. It is now playing an annoying pop song.

8.18

The annoying pop song is _What Makes You Beautiful_. Coulson knows all the words and sings along enthusiastically.

8.20

Fury turns off the radio.

8.21

They drive in silence. It is beginning to get dark.

8.23

They continue driving in silence.

8.26

Steve receives a text from Tony. It says "please talk to me". Steve replies with "where are you?"

8.28

Steve receives a text from Tony. It says "I don't know". Steve replies with "Well, find out".

8.33

Steve checks his phone for texts from Tony. Nothing.

8.36

Steve checks again. Nothing.

8.38

Steve asks if Tony has texted anyone else. He hasn't.

8.41

Steve sends Tony a worried text.

8.44

Steve sends Tony another text.

8.47

Bruce tells Steve to stop worrying. Tony's a big boy and he can look after himself.

8.49

Steve is still worrying.

9.04

Clint asks if they're nearly there. They are.

9.10

Clint asks if they're nearly there. They are.

9.17

Clint asks if they're nearly there. They are.

9.22

Clint says they're clearly not nearly there. Fury tells him to shut up.

9.31

Clint asks if they can stop to pee. Fury says he can pee when they get there.

9.36.

Clint asks if they're nearly there. They are.

9.42

Clint asks if they're nearly there. They are.

9.52

They arrive. Clint rushes straight to the bathroom. Everyone else goes as far away from the van and each other as they can. Fury vows never to take the Avengers on a road trip again. Steve goes out and sits by the road, looking out for Tony.

10.12

Everyone except for Steve has gone to bed. Steve is still waiting by the road for Tony.

10.24

Steve is beginning to feel sleepy, but is determined to keep waiting for Tony.

10.35

Steve has fallen asleep by the side of the road, waiting for Tony.

13.46

Steve is woken up by Tony, who is trying to pick him up. Tony apologises for waking Steve up. Steve apologises for falling asleep. Steve asks Tony what happened. Tony says he doesn't want to talk about it. Steve asks Tony how he got back. Tony says he doesn't want to talk about it. Steve asks Tony why he didn't reply to his texts. Tony says his phone ran out of battery. Steve tells Tony that next time he plans on pissing Fury off, he should charge his phone properly. Tony says he'll keep that in mind. They both go to bed, exhausted.


	4. The Accidental Camping Trip

The Accidental Camping Trip

Although Fury had vowed never to take the Avengers on a road trip again, he quickly realises that after the complete failure of their last trip, they really need to improve their teamwork. None of the others are looking forward to the trip, but they know better than to disagree with Fury. With just a few problems, including a complete change of plan, some disturbingly loud activities, and an unfortunate night-time visit, the Avengers have what is both their least and most successful trip yet.

-3.05

It is midday by the time Fury has managed to persuade Coulson to help him round up the Avengers for the road trip. Coulson is adamant that the trip is a bad idea, and will be worse than the last two trips combined. Fury is adamant that the Avengers need to become a functioning team if they want to be able to save the world next time they need to.

-2.57

Bruce appears. He asks why they are going on another road trip, although his question is more strongly worded than that. Fury tells him it is because he says so.

-2.54

Coulson is packing the van with items he thinks might be useful on the trip. These include tents, fishing rods, an iron maiden, several spare tires, a mechanic, an extensive first aid kit, a wide selection of weapons, a water distiller, more sleeping bags than they could possibly need, and a large can of heavy duty bug repellent.

-2.48

Coulson has filled the van with so much stuff that there is no room for any actual people to fit inside. Fury is making him unpack everything.

-2.46

Even the iron maiden.

-2.41

Coulson has repacked the van with a slightly more select choice of items.

-2.34

Fury has made Coulson unpack the van again, and leave it unpacked.

-2.28

Bruce has vanished. None of the other Avengers are anywhere to be seen.

-2.22

Coulson has found Natasha.

-2.13

Fury has persuaded Natasha to go on the trip. A lot of threats were exchanged in the process.

-2.04

Natasha has found Clint. His hiding place in the ceiling is beginning to get old. No one asks how Natasha managed to persuade him to come down.

-1.58

Coulson has found Bruce and Tony. They have barricaded themselves in Tony's workshop and are working frantically on something. They are refusing to come out until it is finished.

-1.53

Coulson has found Steve. He's still asleep. Coulson watches him for a moment, then wakes him up and tells him to go and get Tony and Bruce out of the workshop.

-1.50

Steve is standing outside of the workshop, yelling at Tony. Tony is pretending he can't hear him.

-1.47

Tony has told Steve he'll come out if he takes his shirt off.

-1.45

Tony was lying. Steve is angry.

-1.41

Coulson has found Thor. Using poptarts, he has bribed him to go and get Tony and Bruce out of the workshop.

-1.38

Thor has taken Mjolnir with him to the workshop. Coulson doesn't think this is going to end well.

-1.34

Coulson was right. The door and barricade have both been smashed into tiny pieces, as well as most of the rest of the workshop, including whatever it was that Tony and Bruce were working on. The two scientists are both sulking.

-1.32

In the time it has taken to get Tony and Bruce out of the workshop, Clint and Natasha have vanished again. Steve is also missing, presumed sulking.

-1.30

Tony has gone off to look for Steve. Bruce doesn't think that this is a particularly good idea.

-1.27

Bruce was right. Tony has found Steve and the two are currently having a shouting match.

-1.23

Tony and Steve are still yelling at each other. Coulson has sent Bruce to break up the argument.

-1.21

Bruce has joined in with the argument. All three of them are yelling over each other. Fury is contemplating just breaking up the team and letting the world take care of itself.

-1.17

Coulson has sent Thor to break up the argument.

-1.15

Thor can yell louder than the other three combined. He has managed to end the argument. Tony thinks he might have gone deaf in his right ear. Steve is still mad at Tony and is refusing to talk to him. Bruce is sitting in a corner, noise-cancelling headphones on, ignoring everyone and listening to calming music.

-1.09

Coulson has gone to look for Natasha and Clint. Fury has made Tony and Steve sit on opposite sides of the room. He has told Tony to think about what he's done, and to apologise to Steve. Tony says he isn't a child and refuses. Instead, he thinks about Steve's abs. Steve is thinking about how childish Tony is.

-1.03

Thor has gone to get more poptarts. Fury has gone with him to make sure he doesn't vanish. He says he is not going to let this trip be as bad as the last one. Tony says it's already worse. Fury tells Tony to shut up.

-0.59

Bruce, Tony and Steve are sitting in awkward silence.

-0.56

Bruce has closed his eyes. Tony thinks he might have fallen asleep.

-0.52

Tony has left his corner to check whether or not Bruce is actually asleep. He does this by repeatedly poking Bruce in the stomach.

-0.50

Bruce is not asleep. He is glaring at Tony. Tony thinks he's starting to look a little green. Wisely, he decides to return to his corner. Bruce closes his eyes again.

-0.44

Tony is trying to make conversation with Steve. Steve is studiously ignoring him.

-0.41

Tony has apologised to Steve. Steve is so amazed that he's forgotten to be mad at Tony.

-0.37

Fury and Thor have returned. Thor is carrying a large stack of poptarts. Steve and Tony have made up and are making out. Fury is wondering where Coulson, Natasha and Clint are.

-0.32

Coulson is back with Natasha and Clint. Natasha looks thunderous. Coulson looks haunted. Clint looks exasperated.

-0.28

Fury is trying to get everyone into the van. Clint is trying to persuade someone else to take his seat. No one will.

-0.25

Bruce is refusing to get in the van unless he can ride shotgun. He says that the others are really testing his patience.

-0.21

Fury has agreed to let Bruce ride shotgun. Bruce is refusing to share the seat with anyone. The others are trying to work out how to fit everyone into the back.

-0.18

Tony has offered to share his seat with Steve. Everyone else objects.

-0.15

Tony has bolted an armchair to the floor of the van and attached a seat belt to it. He is now lounging in it whilst everyone else wishes they had thought of that first.

-0.11

The back of the van is now extremely cramped with the addition of the armchair. No one has any leg room. Everyone is annoyed and jealous of Tony.

-0.09

Fury is about to leave, then stops. He makes Clint go to the bathroom before they leave.

-0.04

Clint is back. Tony decides he needs the bathroom. He leaves without asking Fury.

0.00

Tony is, amazingly, back. He tips Clint out of his armchair and they leave.

0.05

The van is already making worrying noises. Fury hopes it will survive the trip.

0.09

Tony puts his feet in Steve's lap. Steve shoves them off again. Steve is annoyed with Tony again.

0.12

Tony is trying to talk to Bruce. Bruce has his eyes shut and noise-cancelling headphones on. This doesn't deter Tony.

0.16

Steve is wondering how Tony manages to keep up a one-sided conversation for so long. He decides that Tony just never listens to what anyone else says anyway.

0.19

Tony is still talking at Bruce and laughing at his own jokes. Thor is wondering when they're going to stop to eat. Steve is wondering when Tony is going to stop talking. Clint has found a metal briefcase under Tony's chair.

0.21

Tony has stopped talking at Bruce to take the briefcase back off of Clint. He is refusing to say what is in it. Steve thinks he knows. Steve is right. Clint thinks he knows. Clint is wrong.

0.23

Tony is back to talking at Bruce. Fury is annoyed by his constant chatter and tells him to shut up. Tony ignores him.

0.26

Steve asks how exactly these road trips are meant to be a bonding experience. He says that they are just making him hate the rest of the team more with each trip. Tony takes this personally and is now sulking. Everyone is secretly pleased because it means he has finally stopped talking.

0.31

Bruce is enjoying the leg room in the front. Everyone else is jealous.

0.35

Coulson suggests that if they take enough trips, they will learn to live with each other. Everyone shudders at the thought of eternal road trips.

0.39

Steve wonders what sort of team-building exercises they could do in a van.

0.42

Coulson googles team-building activities on his smartphone. He gives everyone a piece of paper and tells them to write down two truths and a lie about themselves. He tells them to keep the piece of paper secret.

0.44

Tony thinks this is a stupid game. He is refusing to join in.

0.45

Coulson has persuaded Tony to join in. Threats may or may not have been utilised in the process.

0.46

Tony asks what they do next. Coulson consults his phone and tells them they have to have a conversation for ten to fifteen minutes, quizzing each other on their truths and lies. Tony begins by asking Coulson what his lie was. Coulson tells him that's not how it works.

1.01

Tony's tactic of asking what everyone's lie was hasn't worked. He is adamant that this is a stupid game. Coulson tells them it's time to move on to the next stage. The next stage is reading out the three statements and guessing which one is true.

1.03

Tony's three statements are "I am a genius", "I am the greatest person you'll ever meet" and "I am an asshole". Everyone guesses that the second one is a lie. Tony says it was the third one. No one agrees.

1.07

Thor's three statements are "I am of Asgard", "I like poptarts" and "I am a kitten". Coulson doesn't think that Thor is very good at this game.

1.10

Bruce is still wearing his noise-cancelling headphones. He did not join in with the game. Coulson is disappointed. He makes this very clear. Bruce doesn't hear him. Bruce thinks this road trip is going much better than the previous ones.

1.14

Steve's three statements are "Tony is an asshole", "I don't know what an iPhone is" and "I have hated every single moment of these road trips". Coulson says that the first statement is not strictly about Steve. Tony says the first statement must be the lie. Everyone else thinks the third statement is the lie. They are all wrong. Steve tells them the second statement is the lie. He says they are all idiots.

1.21

Natasha's three statements are all "This game is ridiculous". Coulson tells her that's not how to play the game. Natasha doesn't care. She tells them to guess anyway.

1.27

Natasha finally reveals that the third statement had a tiny "n't" next to the "is" and was therefore a lie. Coulson says the statements should have been about her. Natasha says she prefers to maintain an air of mystery.

1.32

Clint's three statements are "I am a brilliant archer", "I sleep in a nest" and "I'm the sexiest guy on the team". Everyone thinks that the last statement is the lie. Clint tells them the second statement is the lie. No one believes him.

1.36

Coulson's three statements are "I like watching Supernanny", "Captain America is my idol" and "I think these road trips are a waste of time". Everyone except Tony thinks the first statement is a lie. Coulson reveals that the third statement was a lie. He says he still has hope for the team. Everyone else is ashamed. They feel like they have let Coulson down. They all mentally promise to try to make this road trip a success.

1.39

Tony has already broken his promise by hijacking the speaker system and blasting loud, annoying music and singing along.

1.42

The rest of the team finally display some teamwork in their united efforts to stop Tony's annoying music. They succeed. Coulson says he is proud of them. Tony says he is disappointed. No one cares.

1.46

Coulson suggests another team-building activity. Everyone objects. Coulson says he is disappointed. He had hoped that they were finally working as a team. They say that they are working as a team to stop him from making them do stupid team-building activities. Coulson gives in.

1.51

The van has broken down.

1.57

Tony has fixed the van. They set off again. Fury wonders whether they should get a new van. Tony thinks they should. He persuades everyone else to place bets on when it will next break down. Tony bets it will break down in half an hour. Steve thinks Tony has probably rigged this bet.

2.27

The van breaks down. Steve is certain that Tony has rigged the bet. No one pays Tony. Tony is sulking and refuses to fix the van.

2.32

Fury makes Tony fix the van. He does so, reluctantly. Fury tells him that if the van breaks down again, he will be taking the blame. Tony says that the van is only held together with Duct tape and hope, and that it will almost certainly break down again. Fury doesn't care.

2.41

Tony has done his best with the van. It is still making worrying noises as they set off again, but at least it is moving.

2.45

Thor sees a McDonald's and asks if they can stop. They can't.

2.49

Clint needs to pee and asks if they can stop. They can't.

2.53

Tony asks Clint if there's something wrong with his bladder. Clint is offended. Tony says he was just concerned for his well-being. Clint isn't buying it.

2.56

Fury needs to pee. He pulls over at the next service station. Clint is annoyed that they didn't stop immediately for him, but decides not to argue and instead goes to pee. Tony decides to watch Clint and see how much he drinks for the rest of the journey. Steve says Tony has an unhealthy obsession with Clint's bladder.

3.01

Fury comes back to find Tony sitting in the driver's seat. Tony is ejected from the car. Forcibly.

3.03

Steve has taken Tony's armchair. Tony pouts at him until he leaves it. Fury tells Tony he should share his chair. Tony says it's his chair and he doesn't want to share. Steve says that kids will be kids. Everyone laughs. Tony is offended.

3.05

Clint comes back. He has bought a two litre bottle of water. Tony asks whether that's really a wise purchase. Clint says he's thirsty.

3.12

They are back on the road. The van has started to make loud clanking noises.

3.14

Fury pulls over. They find that the exhaust pipe has become detached and is banging against the road. Tony fixes it. He tells Fury he should probably buy a new van. Fury tells him to shut up.

3.17

They continue driving in relatively amicable silence. Fury begins to think that this road trip might not be so bad after all.

3.21

Tony is bored. Fury begins to think that this road trip might be absolutely awful after all.

3.25

Tony begins a debate about who is the best Avenger. He says it is obviously him. He says he got the looks, the brains and the awesome suit. Everyone disagrees.

3.27

Coulson says the best Avenger is obviously Steve. Tony says that Steve can't fly. Steve says that neither can Tony. Tony says he can. Steve says that the suit doesn't count. Tony says that the suit is a part of him. Steve asks him why isn't he wearing it right now, then. Tony says that it's because he doesn't want everyone to be dazzled by the amazing splendour of the suit. He says he'd rather they were dazzled by the amazing splendour of his astonishing good looks.

3.32

Natasha says she is obviously the best Avenger. Clint asks why. Natasha says it's because she's a woman. Clint laughs. Clint regrets it. Clint decides he agrees with Natasha.

3.36

Bruce removes his noise-cancelling headphones to join the conversation and say that, as much as he hates to admit it, he is probably the best. Tony asks why that is. Bruce says immortality is a pretty neat trick. Tony says that, as a demigod, Thor probably has him beat there, with the added advantage of not turning into a green rage monster. Bruce puts his noise-cancelling headphones back on.

3.42

Clint says that he doesn't know about the best Avenger, but that the most annoying is definitely Tony. Everyone agrees. Tony is hurt.

3.46

Tony is sulking. Everyone else is enjoying the silence.

3.51

The van has started to make a new worrying noise. Fury pulls over. Tony cannot find the source of the noise. He wonders whether the van might be haunted. They set off again.

3.57

Tony suggests that they could use the worrying noises from the van as musical backing. He begins to join in with the noises.

4.01

Clint joins Tony. They begin to sing in harmony to the tune of the van.

4.06

Everyone except for Fury and Bruce has joined in. Tony thinks that they should probably start an acapella band. He thinks that the van has surprising musical talents.

4.10

Fury joins in with the singing.

4.13

Bruce removes his noise-cancelling headphones to ask what's going on.

4.14

Bruce joins in with the singing.

4.16

Tony comments that if the Avengers are ever in need of work, they could always take up singing professionally. Fury thinks that this is probably a bad idea. Tony tells him that he always knew this initiative was really a super-secret boyband.

4.19

Fury is beginning to get tired of the singing. He tells them to stop. Tony says that Fury exists solely to ruin his fun.

4.22

Tony is sulking again. He says that the van must be upset now that it's singing solo again. Fury doesn't care.

4.25

It is beginning to get dark outside. Tony asks when they're going to stop for the night. Fury says they'll stop when he says so.

4.27

Thor says he's hungry. He asks if they can stop for dinner. Fury says they'll stop when he says so.

4.32

Another worrying noise has been added to the van's symphony. Tony says they should probably stop soon, for the van's sake, if nothing else.

4.35

Clint needs to pee. Tony says that's no surprise, given that he drank the whole two litre bottle of water in an hour and a half. Clint says he was thirsty. Tony says Clint should probably consider drinking less. Clint says that water is good for you. Tony says that he'll probably drown himself if he keeps drinking at this rate. Clint laughs, but looks slightly worried.

4.41

Fury stops at a McDonald's and lets Clint go off to pee. He takes everyone else to get burgers. Tony asks if this is their dinner. Fury says it is. Thor looks pleased, and orders one of everything on the menu.

4.46

Clint returns and they set off again with a large collection of greasy food. Tony doesn't think that even Thor will be able to eat all of the food he ordered.

4.51

Tony was right. Thor is too full to finish his McFlurry. Clint is amazed and disillusioned. He had thought that Thor had a bottomless stomach.

4.57

Tony's dinner consisted of one hamburger and four McFlurries. He is sick after the third McFlurry. Fury pulls over and makes Tony clear it up.

5.03

They set off again. No one else is jealous of Tony's armchair any more. They think it is probably worse than Clint's seat now.

5.07

Fury pulls over to buy a large can of Febreeze. He empties the whole thing onto Tony's armchair.

5.10

They set off again. Tony thinks that the Febreeze fumes might suffocate him. He coughs pathetically. No one cares.

5.12

They pass a campsite. Coulson suggests they stop there and camp for the night. No one agrees. Fury says that they don't have any tents. Coulson quickly agrees.

5.14

The van breaks down again. Tony tries to fix it.

5.17

Tony fails. He says the van is broken for good this time.

5.19

Coulson says it is too late to call a tow truck. He suggests they spend the night in the campsite. He produces several tents he had hidden in the van.

5.22

Fury eventually agrees with Coulson. They start walking to the campsite.

5.34

They arrive at the campsite. Tony has brought his metal briefcase. He still won't say what's in it.

5.36

They have two two-man tents, a four-man tent, a one-man tent, and a three-man tent. Bruce quickly claims the one-man tent. Natasha and Clint claim one two-man tent, and Tony and Steve claim the other. Fury claims the four-man tent for himself. Coulson and Thor are left with the three-man tent.

5.42

Bruce has disappeared into his tent. Everyone else is still putting theirs up. Fury has somehow persuaded Coulson to put his up. Thor is struggling with the three-man tent. Natasha and Clint are working quickly and efficiently. Tony is watching Steve put their tent up.

5.45

Natasha and Clint have got their tent up. They disappear inside. Coulson has nearly got Fury's tent up. Steve has nearly got his and Tony's tent up whilst constantly berating Tony for not helping. Tony says he doesn't know how to put a tent up and that he'd probably just get in the way, and, anyway, Steve is doing brilliantly on his own. Thor is still struggling with the three-man tent.

5.49

Coulson has finished putting up Fury's tent and is now helping Thor with the three-man tent. Thor has managed to put the middle section upside down. Thor says that they do not have tents on Asgard. Steve has finished putting his and Tony's tent up. He is refusing to let Tony inside.

6.01

Tony compliments Steve on his tent-erecting skills and is allowed inside. Coulson and Thor are still struggling with the three-man tent. Coulson is beginning to think that this tent was especially designed never to be erected.

6.07

Coulson and Thor are still struggling with the three-man tent. Thor is beginning to think that this tent was designed by Loki. He thinks that tents are an evil invention. Coulson agrees.

6.12

Tony and Steve appear not to realise that tents have extremely thin walls, and so everything happening within a tent can be heard outside the tent. Everyone else is wishing they had Bruce's noise-cancelling headphones. Bruce is listening to calming music in blissful ignorance. Coulson and Thor are still struggling with the three-man tent.

6.17

Fury yells at Tony and Steve to keep it down. They don't appear to hear. Natasha and Clint's tent, by contrast, is eerily silent. Fury begins to wish that all of the Avengers were SHIELD agents like them. Thor and Coulson are still struggling with the three-man tent.

6.21

Bruce has momentarily removed his noise-cancelling headphones. He immediately regrets it. Thor and Coulson are still struggling with the three-man tent.

6.24

The campsite manager has come over to tell Tony and Steve to keep it down. He says there are children on the campsite. Tony says that he's Iron Man and Steve is Captain America. The campsite manager says that just makes it worse. Thor and Coulson are still struggling with the three-man tent.

6.27

Coulson and Thor have managed to enlist the campsite manager's help with putting up the three-man tent.

6.32

The three-man tent is finally up. Coulson and Thor disappear inside.

6.36

Tony and Steve's tent is finally silent. Everyone else breathes a sigh of relief.

6.39

Fury gets up to check on all of the tents. Bruce has fallen asleep with his noise-cancelling headphones still on. Natasha and Clint are sleeping in each other's arms. It would have been more endearing if both of them hadn't been clutching their weapons as well. Coulson and Thor are asleep on opposite sides of the three-man tent. Thor is snoring loudly.

6.43

Fury peers cautiously into Tony and Steve's tent. He finds Tony resting his head against Steve's chest, fast asleep. Steve looks up at Fury, and silently presses one finger to his lips. He looks back down at Tony, a slight smile on his lips. Fury leaves quickly, shaking his head. He would never admit it, but the sight warmed his heart ever so slightly.

6.47

Fury has returned to his own tent. He thinks that, despite the breakdown, this trip might not end so awfully after all. He stretches out in the luxurious space of his four-man tent and goes to sleep.

8.55

Fury is woken up by laughter from outside the tent. He gets up quickly, still fully dressed, and goes outside to find Thor staring Loki down wearing nothing but his underpants and clutching Mjolnir in his right hand. Fury thinks that Thor still manages to look fairly intimidating, but Loki is just laughing at him.

8.57

Natasha and Clint emerge from their tent to see what is going on. Fury is asking Loki what the hell he thinks he's doing. Loki is still laughing.

9.01

Tony emerges to find Loki mocking Fury. He slips back into the tent, unseen, and grabs the metal briefcase. Steve wakes up and asks him what's going on. Tony says it's only Loki. Steve follows him out of the tent.

9.04

Tony tells Steve to go and wake Bruce up. He distracts Loki. The two begin trading insults.

9.07

Thor tells Loki to leave them. Thor asks Loki why he is bothering them. Loki just shrugs and grins.

9.09

Steve and Bruce emerge. Steve tells Loki he's outnumbered. Loki just laughs. Everyone is wondering what Loki will do next.

9.11

Tony opens the briefcase. The others quickly realise that it's really a portable Iron Man suit, mostly because it turns into an Iron Man suit. Tony looks far more intimidating in the suit than he did in his pyjamas. Loki is still grinning.

9.13

Bruce asks Loki what's so funny. Loki's grin slips slightly. He appears to realise that he's outnumbered. He looks around at the team. They all glare at him. All of them except for Tony and Fury are in varying states of undress, and all of them manage to look extremely intimidating.

9.15

Tony is beginning to get bored of the stand-off. He wonders when he'll be able to go back to sleep.

9.17

Bruce growls threateningly at Loki. It somehow manages to be more scary than it is ridiculous. Loki appears to decide that this isn't a good time, and vanishes. Tony wonders whether Loki will ever realise that just randomly appearing and doing nothing isn't exactly helping him.

9.20

Coulson emerges from his tent. He asks what happened. He appears to be disappointed to have slept through Loki's visit. Bruce wishes he could have slept through it.

9.23

Everyone returns to their tents. Steve helps Tony to remove the Iron Man suit. Tony is slightly annoyed that he didn't even get a chance to use it. Steve says he should be glad that they didn't have to fight off Loki. Tony says that a good fight would have been a great team-building activity. Steve can't help but agree.

9.29

They all fall asleep again. Fury's last thought before dropping off is that perhaps this trip isn't such a failure after all.

15.05

Fury wakes everyone up ridiculously early and tells them to pack up their tents. Tony wakes up just enough to ask how they're getting back, and moves his sleeping bag outside. Fury says he's arranged transport for them. Tony goes back to sleep whilst Steve dismantles the tent, grumbling about how Tony never helps. Tony opens one eye and says he helps just by being so attractive.

15.11

Clint and Natasha have already finished packing up their tent. Coulson and Thor are struggling with the three-man tent again. Bruce is still asleep. Tony is also still asleep, and Steve has nearly finished with their tent.

15.13

Steve has finished taking down the tent. He lies down next to Tony and goes back to sleep as well. Fury wakes up Bruce and tells him to take down his tent. Natasha and Clint contemplate going back to sleep, but their plans are foiled by Fury, who tells them to take down the four-man tent. Coulson and Thor are still struggling with the three-man tent.

15.18

Bruce has finished taking down his tent. He goes back to sleep. Natasha and Clint are nearly done with the four-man tent. Steve and Tony are still sleeping. Coulson and Thor are still struggling with the three-man tent.

15.21

The four-man tent is now down. Coulson and Thor are still struggling with the three-man tent.

15.24

Fury has woken everyone up and made them help Coulson and Thor with the three-man tent.

15.25

Including Tony.

15.26

On second thoughts, not including Tony, after he managed to somehow reverse the process by several steps. Tony looks pleased with himself as he goes back to sleep. Everyone glares at him.

15.32

Together, they have finally managed to dismantle the three-man tent. Coulson silently vows to burn it as soon as they get back.

15.35

Fury's transport arrives in the form of two helicopters.

15.37

Fury's transport remains unreachable as Fury tries to arrange landing space for them. The campsite manager is adamant that they cannot land on the campsite.

15.41

Fury has persuaded the campsite manager to find an empty field for the helicopters to land in. Three families are disgruntled to find that they have to wake up and move their tents, but one look at Fury makes them realise that objecting might not be a good idea.

15.44

The helicopters have landed. Tony asks what's happening to the van. Fury says he's sending a tow truck to get it. Tony says he might be able to fix it. They all agree that after all they'd been through with it, it would be a shame to lose the van.

15.52

Fury and Coulson have taken one helicopter for themselves. The Avengers share the other helicopter. There is barely room for them all inside. Fury tells the pilot to try not to chuck them all out. The pilot laughs. He thinks Fury is joking.

15.55

The helicopters take off. Tony asks how long the journey is going to be. The pilot tells him two hours.

16.01

Tony asks if they're nearly there yet. The pilot begins to realise that Fury wasn't joking.

16.05

Clint needs to pee. He asks if they can stop. The pilot tells them they're in a helicopter and can't just pull over at a service station. Clint asks if the helicopter has a toilet. It doesn't.

16.10

Clint asks the pilot if they an go any faster. The pilot says he should have peed before they left.

16.16

Tony is bored. He asks if they can play a game. Steve tells him to stop being annoying. Tony says he can't help it. Steve tells him to try.

16.23

Bruce's noise-cancelling headphones have made an appearance after Tony started annoying Bruce.

16.32

Thor is hungry. He wonders why Fury didn't get them any breakfast. He asks if there is any food on the helicopter. There isn't.

16.37

Clint really needs to pee. The pilot tells him he will personally decapitate him if he wets himself in his helicopter. Clint tells him he should have a toilet installed in the helicopter. The pilot says it's too late for that now.

16.42

Tony has fallen asleep leaning against Steve. Everyone else is pleased by the silence that follows.

16.48

Steve has also fallen asleep. Natasha takes a picture of them with her phone and sets it as her background. Clint laughs, and is reminded of why no one laughs at Natasha. Natasha wonders how Clint can keep forgetting. She decides it is because he is an idiot. Clint is amazed that he has, thus far, managed not to wet himself.

16.52

Thor is imagining all the things he will have for breakfast when he gets back. Clint tells him to stop listing them out loud, he's just making everyone else hungry.

16.58

Thor has fallen asleep. Clint thinks he's probably dreaming about food, mainly because he's drooling and chewing thin air.

17.02

Clint is really desperate now. He asks the pilot how much longer it is until they arrive. The pilot tells him it's another hour. Clint makes a pathetic whining noise.

17.07

Clint wonders whether he can pee out of the window of the helicopter. The pilot tells him he can't. He is very certain of this. Some of the words he uses are four letters long and not particularly pleasant.

17.12

Clint finds a bottle. He thinks about peeing in it. The pilot tells him that if one drop of pee goes outside the bottle, Clint will die horribly.

17.16

Clint pees in the bottle. He manages to keep all of the pee inside. He is rather proud of this achievement. Everyone else is mildly disgusted.

17.19

Clint wonders what to do with the bottle now. Natasha tells him to make sure it's properly sealed and hang on to it.

17.21

Clint is hugging the bottle of pee. Natasha tells him she didn't mean it literally.

17.25

Clint has fallen asleep, still hugging the bottle. Natasha takes a picture, and then wonders whether this should replace the picture of Tony and Steve as her background.

17.31

Natasha has decided that it should.

17.35

Natasha has fallen asleep.

17.38

Bruce takes off his noise-cancelling headphones for a moment, and checks that everyone else has, in fact, fallen asleep. They have. Bruce enjoys the peace and quiet.

17.42

Tony wakes up. Bruce puts his noise-cancelling headphones back on, muttering something about good things never lasting long.

17.44

Tony asks if they're nearly there yet. They are. Tony asks how nearly. The pilot sighs and tells him to go back to sleep.

17.47

Thor wakes up. He asks if he can have some food. The pilot tells him he can have food when they get there. Thor asks if they're nearly there yet. They are.

17.51

Clint wakes up and asks if they're nearly there yet. They are.

17.53

Tony asks if they're nearly there yet. The pilot asks if anyone in the helicopter knows what the word "nearly" actually means.

17.56

Everyone is now awake and asking if they're nearly there yet. The pilot gives up replying and just concentrates on flying.

17.59

Tony spots their destination out of the window. He still asks if they're nearly there yet.

18.06

They land. Tony asks if they're nearly there yet the moment the pilot cuts the engines. The pilot decides that he is never flying the Avengers anywhere again.

18.13

Fury gathers the team together to congratulate them on the trip. He says that, all things considered, it went well. Tony asks if this means they never have to go on another trip. Fury doesn't reply. Tony has a sinking feelings that this means they will have to go on another trip.

18.17

Everyone vanishes, going as far away from everyone else as they can. Tony locks himself in his workshop with his robots, and Steve wonders whether Tony loves technology more than he loves him. He thinks the answer is probably yes. Bruce locks himself in the bathroom and has a two-hour bubble bath. Thor begins to empty the kitchen of food. Fury starts planning something, and Coulson hopes that it isn't their next road trip. Natasha and Clint have both disappeared, Clint still clutching the bottle of pee. Coulson doesn't want to think about what they're doing, but he hopes that Clint got rid of the bottle first.

18.21

Back on the road, a tow truck reaches the van and begins to tow it back. The driver wonders why it smells so strongly of Febreeze. A squirrel that somehow managed to break in and curl up in the armchair wonders why its bed is moving.


End file.
